I think I knew the entire time. My cycle came 3 days early at the end of October and it went on for about 2 1/2 weeks. I knew at that point something wasn't right. my cycles have been off in the past...but not like this. I felt like I might be having a miscarriage. I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative. I thought that maybe it was just a super early miscarriage and that my body was doing it's job. I was okay with it. I spotted through out the entire month of November and then it was time for mother nature to make her appearance again...this time it came 4 days early and went on for a little over a week. I then took another pregnancy test and it still came out negative. I thought well, maybe I am pregnant my hormone levels are just off and I was just having some weird bleeding. It happens. So, I let it go and just kept going through out my days. December 5th, it was almost 5am...still in bed, trying to wake up. I remember Skyler turning over, wrapping his arm around me and putting his hand on my belly. As I laid there, I thought about the past few months, feeling like I was pregnant, questioning if I was having a miscarriage, hoping that everything was going to be okay. I got up. Took a test. POSITIVE. It came out so clear and became positive so fast. I went in to show Skyler and he smiles at me and told me that he knew that I was. He could feel it. We were so thrilled! Yet, I so nervous. I thought about the past few months and felt like something might be off. I couldn't get that feeling to go away either. A week later I went in to the OB and had an ultra sound. That day was just as crazy as it gets. Kids had to go pee I swear it was every 15 minutes. My patience was not all there, and I honestly couldn't concentrate on what I needed to get while I was in St. George. Needless to say, I am so happy that I had Sarah go with me that day. Kylie and Kysen had yearly checkups that I couldn't get switched around and had already rescheduled 3 other times. She took Bug and them to the checkups while Kyen stayed with me at my appointment. While with the ultra sound tech in the ultra sound room, the findings were exactly what I thought. There it was in plain sight. She told me that I could either be A. Too early to hear or see anything, or B. Be having a miscarriage. I knew the answer already. She didn't have to explain anything else. She said let's wait a week, see if the sack grows. That night I received a blessing and it gave me so much peace, not just about the pregnancy/miscarriage but about my job, my family, and juggling them all. One week later, I went back and what looked like could be a viable pregnancy last week, was just a big mess this week. My body was starting to break everything down in my uterus. I had some bleeding here and there but nothing to bad at this point. My Dr. said that with the progress between last week and this week, my body was most likely going to finish miscarrying in a week or two. He said that it would be okay to wait, or I could take the pill to complete the miscarriage earlier. He advised to wait on having a D&C because that's usually the last option. I thought a lot about what I should do, and I felt like waiting would be okay. I also felt like taking the pill would not. Over the next few weeks, I kept in contact with the Dr. and had appointments. My body still wasn't doing what it was suppose to do and so he really encouraged me to take the pill if I wanted it to move along quicker. I kept the feeling that I really shouldn't take the pill. So, I didn't. Through these past few months, I never really a rollercoaster of emotions. I kept getting the feeling that whatever happens will be okay and that everything will work out the way it is suppose to. I knew that feeling was more than just that. I trusted my Father in Heaven and let him take the reins in this trial. There was nothing I could do about it. I just had to keep going through out my days, doing what I do.
Christmas Eve, I had made the decision that I was going to get a D&C. Nothing much had happened or progressed. I had one really heavy bleed one day after I had worked a lot of hours. I had some cramping now and again that made me catch my breath, but did nothing much. I knew I just wanted to get it all taken care of in one shot. I called the Drs. once the office had re opened from Christmas and had made an appointment for the D&C. Doing this felt really good. I knew this is what was suppose to happen with this miscarriage. Through out the next two weeks, nerves had set in and I became a nervous wreck. I tried to not show how nervous I was, but on the inside, I was a big mess. I hate going under sedation. It scared the crap out of me. These nerves took my mind to a place where everything I thought, I ended up overthinking about.
January 9th came...it was so early! We stayed at my mom and dads house the night before so we wouldn't have to wake the kids up and leave even earlier.
Skyler and I got to the hospital and checked in. Once I got to the back and got my lovely gown on, I was miss 'chatty Cathy'...those poor nurses and that poor poor anesthesiologist... My husband has never seen me talk so much about random things that don't matter at all. The anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to calm my nerves. I said heck yes!! It didn't help though. He rolled me back to the O.R. and I once they put the mask on, I was out! They were probably so happy that I was because I wouldn't shut up. I rememeber once the doors to the O.R. opened, I said, "Do I really have to see this room?? I'm so nervous!" Everyone in there just laughed and said that they'd take care of me.
It's been 3 days since I had the D&C done. I didn't know how much it would drain me! I didn't expect to not have any energy. That I would get light headed so easily. That I would be so tired...so dang tired. After calling my OB and asking if this was all normal... I guess that having a D&C is considered major surgery, even though they aren't cutting you open, they are scrapping you out and that really takes a toile on the body. The nurses in the hospital told me that I would be able to return to work the next day, if not then in two days. I guess if you sit a desk and answer the phone all day or do paperwork, then yeah, you could return to work. But, if you have a job like mine where I get close to 20,000 steps on just a normal day, lift boxes that are 20-40lbs, multi task to the extreme, and so much more... going back to work 2 days later is not a good idea. Yesterday, I was thankful to have my assistant right by my side the whole time. He was my muscle and I did the little things. Even that wore me out though. Today just plain sucked! I woke up feeling so drained and achy. I went to work anyways and ended up having to go home because my body just couldn't take it. I kept having to catch my breath and my body just felt like collapsing. I took a much needed nap when I got home and when I woke up, I felt a little better.
This miscarriage didn't take a lot out of me emotionally, I felt at peace with it. But it has taken so much out of me physically. I've had to learn (yes LEARN) to slow down, to rely on those around me, and take care of myself. I feel so useless right now. I am use to doing a lot, it's hard for me not to. Ask my husband...I have the hardest time just sitting down and doing nothing for even 5 minutes. I get antsy and feel like something needs to be done. It's terrible!
I still have a little ways to go until my body is healed. I guess I have quite a bit to learn about taking it easy every now and again too. And taking care of my body... not just how I feed it, but how I should let it rest as well. I usually only get 4-6 hours of sleep a night, but for the past 3 days, I've gotten more sleep than I have gotten since before I had Kyen 10 years ago. I always say, everything happens for a reason. I've learned that there's blessings that come from every situation and a lesson or two to learn. I know that this too shall pass and that Skyler and I will have another baby sooner or later. For now, I'm focusing on taking care of myself and to learn to take it easy every now and again, even after my body is healed. Life is good...so very good.
No comments:
Post a Comment