As Kynzie's birthday is coming up this Saturday, I've been letting my mind wonder a bit. And I'll be honest, it's put me into a bit of a slump...and everything else around me hasn't been helping me get out of this slump that I'm in either.
I can't help but think about how she would be if she were here today. What she would look like, how she would be, her favorite things about this earthly life, if Kylie and her would be a like, if she'd be a snuggle bug like the rest of my kids are...the kisses and loves we'd be able to give each other, the moments of laughter, the family time spent together...and as I wonder these things, I also wonder if we'd be where we are today...if Skyler would be through school...if things would be the way they are now, if she was still here. And I have to say, I know that they wouldn't. I know that even though life hurts sometimes and that our emotions get the best of us, everything has a solid purpose in this life. I may not understand fully as to why things happen or why our Father allows us to hurt so much, but I do know that what ever trials we go through on this earth, the things that we suffer while we are here trying to do OUR best at this life, will be so worth it...the reward will be greater than we could ever imagine.
Being in this slump, I tend to put myself under a rock and put walls up so high that I can't see the beauty that already around me. I start to focus on everything that's annoying g and frustrating and I start to get angry. I have less patience for my kiddos and my husband. I assume things that aren't and want to seclude myself from everyone around me. This is exactly what I should NOT be doing. Doing this will lead me down a road to anxiety and depression. One that I don't want to relive again.
This has to change, I've got to change my way of thinking. Every negative thought will have a positive one to replace it. And as Kynzie's birthday and her passing day are only 6 weeks apart...I will do my best to remain focused on the good things that are in my life, so I can be a better mom, and better wife, a better friend, and a happier person. Taking this one day at a time...one thought at a time.
When I read something like this I think," man, I can totally relate to all of this." Where the situation is different, the emotions attached to those situations are parallel.
ReplyDeleteIt seems almost cruel that we are asked to wait for that time that we get to see our loved ones. How they turned out. How they're different, and let them know in all the things that they've," missed" I have been taught that, in actuality, they haven't missed a thing and that they are always trying to contact us and let us know that they are still aware of us. Having had experiences that have reminded me of that fact I find a great deal of solace.
I know what it feels to be under that rock and to build those walls and to flirt with those feelings that were felt at the time of loss. What I find that's helpful is when I find those feelings welling up to the surface. I reach out with all my spiritual capita and ask to feel of their presence and be with me. I have never been denyed that opportunity. It's been my experience that as we reach out to heaven, that heaven reaches in return. That as the Savior suffered in the Garden and pleaded," Father, if thou be willing. Remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will but thy will, be done." We too will be in our our Garden and plea with the father. He can't take it away, but we know that as we suffer he does send angels to comfort us. Just as he sent an angel to his son after he said to remove the cup from him letting him know that he wasn't able to remove that cup, because it was his to bear, but that he will always send help.
May God bless you and your family with peace, assurance, and comfort during this difficult period. He has certainly granted all of that and more to mine.
All my love and prayers for you,
Talon Andersen