Anxiety 101

I just got off work, and I honestly don't know what I'm doing staying up when I know I'm getting up early tomorrow morning because bug went to sleep early tonight. And I've got to work, and then play with the kiddos for a few hours before my hubs gets home and we head to Vegas to go to the temple. It's going to be a long LONG day. I really should just get to bed and sleep...but I can't. So... I blog.

Blogging is good for my soul. It's like a release button really. Once my fingers hit the key board all these thoughts I've been thinking are being released and it makes my anxiety levels go way down (weird, I know, but it's true!). That's why I'm writing this post. Anxiety. This thing that I have lived with on and off most of my life. When ever anything super life changing would happen, anxiety would spike in me and I'd turn into a mess. But more recently over the last 5 years or so, I've really gotten to know this part of me. The part of myself that thinks uncontrollable thoughts about what might be or could be. The part of me that worries endlessly if my kids will be alright, or if we'll all have a safe day or if this, or what if that. And though I have gotten to know that part of me so well, I'm also learning to recognize when I'm starting to go down that spiraling path of emotional destruction and I'm learning what works for me in getting me to think strait and to be happy again.

Anxiety sucks bad. I hate it. Not all Anxiety is the same either. There's panic attacks (those make me feel like I was dying! Lungs wont contract right, chest is tight, heart pounding out of my chest, the room I'm in looks distant and scary, I feel like I just need to pass out. At least that only last for a short time, even though it feels like forever!). There's just plain frustration and worry all the time. Never happy. Always having negative thoughts (that's more on the side of depression... but trust me, anxiety invites depression to party with it. They have fun dancing to the beat of the broken hearted). Then there's the tightness in your chest, blood is pumping way faster than normal... all the time, heart palpates irregularly (but only when you feel like this), it's not quite a panic attack, but you wish it was because panic attacks dont last for days on end.
This...this thing called anxiety... this is what happens to me when I grieve with another mother on the passing of her child. Or I grieve because someone who has a place in my heart has passed on so suddenly, and there's really no rhyme or reason at that moment as to why.

Anxiety tends to bring down my confidence in myself too. I feel so spiritually weak when I get like this. I second guess everything, and I forget almost everything, and I get so tired too. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety this pass week and today I finally had my break down. I cried. And I NEVER EVER cry... like ever. I just can't. I joke that my tear maker got busted when Kynzie passed away. I get sad, and my heart breaks, but I just can't ever cry. Well, today I did.

This pass week I have been thinking a lot about this mom and family who had recently lost their boy in a four wheeler accident. It was so sudden and so heartbreaking. I texted and talked to one of my really good friends (who is really close to this family) a lot over this pass week to see how she was doing and to see how things were with everything that was going on. And maybe I should have left all of it alone and just let it be. But, I just couldn't. I cared so much about how that mom felt. I've been there. I've felt that emptiness. I felt like my tears were never going to end. I've done that. But ignoring it would have been completely selfish of me to do, just so I could spare my own feelings. I did think about how this might effect me. I've done this before when some one I knew had passed on so suddenly. But the thought never went farther than that I might just get sad. No, I got much more than just sad. I got anxiety, but I was able to recognize it before it got any worse. I now know what to do when I get like this (hence the being on at 1am, just so I can get my feelings out). Blogging is great, but running and spinning is SOOO much better for my brain. I need to make time to exercise again. Not for the physical health of me(although that'll benefit), but for the emotional health of me.

I believe that before we came to this earth, Heavenly Father gave us a rundown on how our life was going to be. I believe that we knew what we were getting ourselves into before we came to this earth. And in that, we also knew the eternal perspective that our earthly life had for us. Sometimes we wonder, "what in the world were we thinking! Agreeing on having these trials...it's so dang hard! How are we ever going to move on...how are we ever going to survive...".
But, right now, even though we have an eternal promise and we may have a tiny glimpse of  what's in store for us in the long run. We don't always see the whole picture. We don't have the eternal perspective laid out right before us. What we had before we came to this earth. We have the promise of it, but we can't see it yet. I think that if we were able to see it, we'd get through this life with ease and it'd be a breeze to go through what we have to go through. But how would be learn if life was that easy.

I'll probably have to live with anxiety my whole life, but I know that without my Heavenly Father, I wouldn't be able to live my life with this anxiety. He makes it possible to get through my day. He makes it possible to get through work because of some awesome people I work with. He makes it all possible. Every single little thing.

Focus Danielle, just focus.

Tonight, was the first walk I've been on in quite some time. I felt cranky and mean and so unfocused. So I got out with the kids and sarah and her dogs and we walked for 45 min. It's been so busy with work...lots of work, kids and chores, that exercising has been pushed to the back burner. No, actually, exercise has been pushed out the window and dropped from 10 stories high. Dead. It died in my life and I miss it. I really need to make it a part of my routine again. It helps me focus a little of what I have lost focus on. Tonight I focused on these things...

1. Babies. As much as I love babies, I am no where near ready to have another little Neil running around. Bug has serious jealousy. Kysen loves the babies so so SO much that it scares me he might just strangle the babies. And Kylie will want the baby by her side ALL THE TIME... all the time. Kyen is the only normal one, haha. All this learned by baby sitting my little 2 month old niece tonight. 
2. Patience. It's not necessarily with those around me. I need to have patience with myself. I get so upset with how i think sometimes. I try not to let things irritate me but when they do, I have a hard time letting it go. Especially if it's of importance to me. 
3. Exercise. It's good for me. Mind body and spirit. Plain and simple. 
4. Personal Scriptures and prayers. Needs to be a daily routine. And not just "let's quickly get these done so I can get on with my day" type thing. I find that when I really sit down, let my kids be for a bit, and focus on the spirit then my day is a million times better than when I just speed through or say I'll do it at night and then I never do because I end up falling asleep. 
5. Maybe I should just go hide for a day or two when I'm going to do my monthly thing. Ever since I had Kyell, and I've started again, my emotions have been all messed up during that time. And my periods are alll messed up. Like every 45-50 days or so, messed up. I never use to be like this. Everything use to be normal and it's not anymore. 

Usually I write how much of a blessing today has been even though it's been a crazy one. I'll keep it short and simple and say this. I was able to focus on a few things that have been jumbled around in my head for the past few days. Now let hope I can apply these things to my life. That can count for a blessing. 

Family: My duty to God

I've had a lot on my mind about families and the importance of raising children lately. I was on LDS.org this morning and started browsing "families" and came across this talk given by L. Tom Perry in the 2003 General Conference. This whole talk is pretty great, but these two paragraphs stuck out at me the most. To me, being a mother and a wife is the most important mission that I have on this earth. I believe it's one that is so vital for when the veil is lifted and we have all passed on to the other side.

“President Brigham Young explained that our families are not yet ours. The Lord has committed them to us to see how we will treat them. Only if we are faithful will they be given to us forever. What we do on earth determines whether or not we will be worthy to become heavenly parents.”

I don't know about you, but I certainly want to to do the best that I can to treat my kids the best that I can. To teach my kids the best that I can. That doesn't mean making life sugar and lolly pops for them. That means, to love them unconditionally, teaching them responsibility, love, compassion, patience, hard work, helping them to know for themselves what's right and what's wrong, teaching them that there are consequences for everyrhing...good and bad. We only have 18 years to help our kids become the best that they can possibly become before they go out on their own and discover the world as an adult.

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. ‘Children are an heritage of the Lord’ (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

When I get to the other side and am being judged for my life here on this earth, I want to know that my husband and I did the best that we could to raise Heavenly Fathers children is such a way that would be pleasing to Him. That we treated each other as husband and wife, in the best way we know how too. That we showed love for each other and for our children. I know that their are going to be times we mess up. There have been already and there will be more. But that's what is so great about the gospel. We can repent and be forgiven...no matter what we've done. Heavenly Father is there to forgive us, as long as we can soften our hearts and ask to be forgiven. For everything we go through, it's all a learning experience. take what you can from it and move forward.

My plan for this mortal life is to be the best mom and wife I can possibly be (including all time times I may mess up...I'll learn). Raising my family is my duty to God.

Five years already

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with her. I remember the whole preganacy...best pregnancy I could have asked for. I remember the day I went to my doctors appointment and he said, "you're at a 5, let keep ya!". I had Kyen and Kylie with me, Skyler was at work, and all 3 of us sat outside of the doctors office and called him. Kyen said, " dad, we are having a baby today!" Skyler was so thrilled! Skyler drove up and then my mom came up a little later and took my two older ones. We were so excited to finally meet our new little one. We had waited all day before the hospital could get us in, it was hot and we were tired. We walked around all day trying to get aome contractions going. Nothing was working...nothing. We finally got checked in the hospital shortly after dinner and got the PIT started. So many emotions were going through me...through us. Skyler and I could hardly wait to meet her! 7 hours later, at 4:14am I gave birth to our 7lb bundle of pure preciousness. It had been the easiest birth I had so far. From the time she "dropped" she was out in 3 pushes. My doctor layed her on my chest and from that moment i looked into her eyes, I knew she was here on this earth for more than I had anticipated. She held onto my finger so tightly, and he daddy had that finger hold as well that morning she was born. 

That evening, my two older kids came in with their Grandma and Grandpa Klunker and uncle Robert. They sat upon my bed and were so excited to see their new baby sister. The love they had been waiting to give to Kynzie instantly sparked and the room was filled with such happiness. They couldn't get enough of her.

They didn't want to leave the hospital, but visiting hours were coming to a close and I was exausted. They were so sad to leave but I told them I'd see them the next day. Well, shortly after 24 hours of giving birth, I was headed home, to my kids, to my house, to my own comfy bed. I was tired but life felt so great! For every single moment that she took her breaths, for every person that got to hold her and feel of her sweetness, for every little moment Kylie and Kyen got to experience with her...all of those moments were Heaven sent. They were meant to be. I am so thankful for Kynzie and her willingness to be apart of those great moments, moments that are precious blessings we hold so close to our hearts. These blessings still continue even though she's on the other side of the veil.
This birthday has been a happier one for me. I usually have a hard time during these next 6 weeks. I feel like I go into this fog around this time because I just want to go back in time and relive those precious moments that I had with Kynzie. I just want her back. I would give a million natural births just to see her again, just to have her hold my finger one more time, just to hear her little baby giggles (none of my babies giggled as early as Kynzie did!). This year I can say that celebrating her birthday has been exactly that, a celebration...a joyous celebration. 

I love to talk about Kynzie, I believe it has helped with my healing process, one of which I know will be life long, until I meet with her again. Each year, it gets a little easier and each year, we get a little closer to our reunion. Until we meet again my dear.

Heavenly Father is very aware of us...each and every one.

"We need to get our temple recommends renewed, yesterday... I need to be more diligent in pondering my scriptures... The house is a mess but, I need to focus more on the kids... Can't we just being time for church, just once?..." The list goes on.

Thoughts like this have gone through my head for the past little while now. I'm not exactly sure when I started thinking like this, I haven't always. But this negativity has been creaping up on me oh so silently and has caught me off guard. This morning, I was so focused on making sure that we had a happy morning, that my kids were happy, that we were ready at a decent time. I wanted Ky to have a good morning because he's been getting upset so easily lately. Today he was my main focus. So I told my little dude, " Alright Ky, do you trust me?" He looked at me all confused and says, "what?" I told him, "Do you trust me? I want to know if you trust me". Still confused, he says " yes.." I said, "okay, then today I want you and I to count how many smiles you can put on your face. Our prophet Gordon B Hinkley says that if we can put a smile on our face every day, then it'll make our day that much brighter." He didn't want to at first but I asked him "what could it hurt. It definitely won't make your day worse, right?" So I started being goofy while he was brushing his teeth, then bug did something goofy that made him laugh and with each smile he did I said "There's one smile!! There's another! Is that 5 smiles already?!" Which in turn made him smile more. Then in the car on the way to church, Sky said, " mommy needs to start counting her smiles" half way joking, but mostly serious. I just grunted at him. Then it hit me... I've been kind of a Debby downer lately too. I've been focusing so negatively on things lately. It was while I was in the bishops office today while getting my recommend signed, that my heart became very humbled. He said something so simply, but the power of his simple statement made such a profound impact on my heart. He said this, "I told Skyler the same thing, but I just have to tell you guys I'm so impressed with you guys. You guys are here every week, not just to show up, but to actually be here. Your diligent in your classes. During sacrament meeting today, as you guys walked in, these thoughts came to me. You're a great family. I just needed to tell you guy this". You know that lump in your throat you get when you are so over wealmed with happiness, you could just cry? Yeah, that was me. I didnt cry, but I sure felt like doing so. What he said was so simple but its exactly what I needed to hear. Its like while Bishop Brown was speaking to me, Heavenly Father was speaking to my heart. We try so hard to be diligent in what we do that's good as a family. We try to make it to church every Sunday. We try to listen to our prophet. We try to be kind. We try. That's just it, we try. That's exactly what our Father in Heaven wants us to do. Right now, each one of us are on different paths in our lives, but if we try our best to do our best, even if its difficult at the time, Heavenly Father is rejoicing. He is so happy when we try our best, even when we feel like life sucks and we aren't getting anywhere with how hard we try. He is very aware of us...each and every one. My heart is very different from where it was this morning. I've lost count of my smiles, and so has Ky. I'm not saying that Im am jumping around with Joy like a crazy person. I'm saying that I am more humbler than I was this morning with a happier look on my face, and a huge smile on my heart. Oh! And teaching in the nursery has been such a huge blessing. I LOVE...absolutely LOVE teaching nursery and I love the amazing woman I teach with. I miss my other wards, and I had my presumptions about coming into this one, but those presumptuous feelings are long gone. My love for this ward has grown so imensly over the last 9 months. Crazy! 9 months already since we moved. Heavenly Father knows us and is very aware, I know this to be true.

Blessings in the midst of hardship

Where do I even start? All I feel like I do is complain lately. Maybe it's just venting? I don't know. But, I try so hard not to complain. I guess I'll start from the begining.

Last summer we found out that we needed to pay for the rest of Skyler's schooling. He had a little less than a year left and we definitely weren't going to put things on hold. We thought about getting another loan, but that just didn't feel right. After going through our options, the only thing that felt right was to move in with Skyler's parents. It was a feeling I'll never forget though. I was sitting in the kitchen going through the kids art work/homework. I remember getting a text from Skyler saying that we needed to pay for his schooling. I sat there on the floor, looked up to the heavens and said, "We're really going to have to move, aren't we?" And then the most reassuring feeling came over me. I was feeling two different feelings at once. I certainly didn't want to live with family. But I knew that that was the best thing to do. There was no denying what the holy ghost was whispering to my heart. So, we packed up, moved into Skyler's parents house, and we were out of our house by the end of October. I was not ready for this. I had my presumptions about how it was going to be. I've lived with family before we had kids and didn't like it much. It was hard. Not because of them, just because of the situation. I was nervous for my kids, nervous for mine and Skyler's relationship, nervous for our family that we would be living with, nervous that we wouldnt get the space that we need... both families. So many things I was worried about.

Fast forward to now... looking back on when we first moved in 8 months ago, I thought things were going to be so much different than they have been. The little things that I worried about, I should have just let go. With out going into much detail, things (both spiritual and frustrating) I never imagined possible has happened. So many blessings have come from us moving into this big house. Here's only a few but ones I have found most important.

...I'm counting my blessings, one by one...

1. Mine and Skyler's relationship has been strained and tested many times in the last 8 months. Our relationship has gotten so much stronger as well. We are definitely closer to eachother than ever before.

2. My kids have definitely felt the strain of not having our own place. It been a challenge for my oldest especially. I've noticed that it has made him be more responsible and he has gained more of an understanding about how to deal with different kinds of people. Even though he still has his moments of frustrations but he has definitely grown.

3.My anxiety has been tested so many times...terribly. I have had it bad at times (high blood pressure, dizzy, can't think, totally out of it). It was bad at first when we first moved in. Not because of my mother and father inlaw, but because of the situation in whole. Over these short 8 months, my body has released my anxiety in a few different ways, but over time, I have learned to let a lot go. It hasn't been easy either. But something that I am so thankful for.

4. Happy Bug. Need I say more? This little ball of sunshine has been a constant source of happiness in this home. Doesn't matter what's going on around him, he's always got a smile on his face and if you've been around him, you know that light that he carries with him, you know how that feels. He has taught me so much about how to be happy. Every time I hug this little guy of mine, my heart melts. He gives hugs like no other baby I've ever seen before.

5. I didn't realize before, but we never use to make time for just our family. We were always going, goung, going. And then when we did get some time, Skyler and I would go to the Temple, or just out on a date and those didn't happen very often. Even though we've not really gone "out", we have learned that making time for just our family in a whole was very important. It brings us closer together and let's us enjoy eachother.

In each hardship, blessing are bound to be. We may not see them right away, heavenly father may not alow them to happen when we think they need to, but blessings do come in each trial that we face. I remember when Kynzie passed away, I thought how unfair it was for her to leave us. How unfair it was for us not being able to say goodbye. So many things I thought were unfair. But almost instantly after her passing, I felt the Lord's love fall upon me. I felt hurt and loved at the same time. He let me know that it was all for a good cause. That it was her time, that she had important work to do on the other side. At the time I felt all of this, I never really allowed it to be a blessing. I was sad and mad, and I knew I was loved, all at the same time. After going through the motions of the loss. I started to realized how much of a blessing those feelings were and still are. From one trial has come many, many, so many blessings. And not just to me and my family, but others as well. I believe life is all about learning and growing and life definitely been that for me. I hope that through the midst of the hardships we face as a family, that each one of us are able to see the blessing that follow.

Craziness of my life; compilations of drafts

Life for most people is crazy and busy and chaotic at times, especially with those who have younger kids. But for us, life has taken busy to a whole new level lately. Skyler and I talked about how this seems to be our challenge right now in life. And what a challenge it is. It seems that being organized has been quite a challenge in itself. And laundry... HA! Lets not even go there. Lets just be happy that it's washed. I decided that I was going to set goal for my self last week when I had decided that I had enough of being unorganized and it being so chaotic. There's a few other factors that I think have contributed to the crazy/chaoticness we have going on here. But, I believe that even when things around us are not what we desire them to be, we have it in ourselves to change our perspective and find inner peace instead of trying to find peace that we seek for, around us. My point... when things are chaotic and unorganized, I have a hard time finding that peace I strive for. So, I started to make some weekly and monthly goals to find my inner peace. A few are to start running in the morning when bug wakes up at 5/6am, extensively plan out our finances, getting to bed before 11pm, and have some things planned out for this summer break (I am SOOO EXCITED for summer break!! I LOVE having my kiddos home!). But one that has been nagging at me for the past two weeks is to blog. I absolutely love to blog. I love to write. Usually I would blog right before bed but I've been getting to bed so late (hence the "getting to bed before 11pm" goal) and so I'm so tired that I just don't do it. It definitely wont happen during the day either. Tonight, all the kids were in bed at a decent time and I didn't work late. Skyler says to me, "why don't you go blog?" I was like "YEAH! That could happen." So I opened my blog page, scrolled down to posts and to my dismay, saw all of these unfinished blogs. I'm not joking, I have like 10 of them half way finished just from this year and some part of last year. So, here it is, my blog post about life being busy, be finding my inner peace and about my compilations of blog drafts.