Simply obey

          I have been manager for about 3 weeks now and my how I love it! I feel like it's the best decision that I could have made at this point in my life. Despite all of the stresses of figuring everything out, I have not doubted this decision at all. I think the biggest thing that I'm trying to figure out is the scheduling and managing my time. But, with time and patience (from my self and my Deli team) this too will get figured out soon. I've been in that Deli (full time, part time, and seasonal) for about 9 years now, and I've been the assistant once. To actually be the lead of that part of the store and get to have an awesome Deli crew to help me run another great part of the store is a pretty cool feeling. I know that the Ladies that I work with are going to do great things (and I say ladies only because that's all we have back there for now. One day the Deli could have guys back there too).
          Now the spiritual side of this... I pray for this Deli and my crew daily. Not because I don't think that they can't do there job, but because I know that they can. I know that each one of us in the Deli can do everything that is required and then some. I want to do well at this Job and I want to make the customers happy with our product and my team happy with where they work. Now, I know that there are going to be days where it's just a crumby day (we ALL have those days). But, it's been said, that even if you have a bad day at the job you love, you will still go back the next day and love your job. I know that this is true.
          Let me take you back a little bit... about a year and a half ago. I was sitting in my kitchen straitening up my kids' art work and art drawer in my old house. Skyler was at work, on break, and he texted me something along the lines of, "my loans are going to be out in a few months...". A pretty simple text but one that sent one thought almost instantly to my head... I looked up at the ceiling asking my Heavenly Father these exact words... "We are going to have to move into Skyler's parents house, aren't we?" It's as if I had asked the exact right question because what came next was pretty much unexpected. I got the answer, Yes. It wasn't me thinking this because it was very different from any thought I have had or anyone actually speaking to me. This was the Holy ghost telling me that this is where we needed to go, for one reason or another, we needed to be there at that house. I later talked to Skyler about this, and he had felt the same way. I didn't question or doubt his answer. I simply obeyed and we moved 3 months later.
          One year later, we have met some REALLY great people in my ward and on the street that we never would have met and gotten so close to. My kids have some pretty great friends that they are so close to, that I know wouldn't have happened if we hadn't obeyed that prompting. Skyler and I are closer than ever and I love it! So many great things have happened because we simply obeyed.
          About 4 months ago, same prompting happened, I felt like I needed to go full time at the Deli. I was nervous because I hate being away from my kids, but I knew this is what we needed. Turns out, I wasn't away from my kids for to long. I worked while the kids where in school and was home most evenings and had weekends off with Skyler and my kids. This decision also got me prepaired for what was to come next...being manager of this Deli.
          This next prompting was a pretty big one. This one I couldn't ignore if I wanted to (and I tried to push it aside for a little bit). Everytime I'd go to work, the same prompting kept coming back to me that I should apply for the Deli Manager. This went on for a few weeks and during that time, my mind got thinking that maybe I could do this. After all, the only thing that was stopping me from doing this was my fear of not succeeding. But, how are we to succeed, if we never even try. I knew I had to try. I already had my answer, that had just confirmed it. I knew I had to do this, and I started to get excited about it. I became so calm about going for this position and a peace had come over me and is still with me now.
          Here we are now, about 3 weeks later, still loving my Job. I know that great blessings are going to come from this job too. I was taught when I was a kid to work as hard as I can in everything I do. I'm so blessed my parents had taught me this. It has given me the drive to work hard, even on my hardest days and to never give up. Thanks to my mom and dad for blessing me with this. Thanks to my AHMAZING (yes AHHHMAZING) husband who is helping me understand things this job requires, for standing right beside me, supporting me in this decision that requires a lot of my time and energy (especially in the very beginning), for loving me even when I'm so tired, and snappy (I really should get to bed...). Thanks to my oh so amazing kids who have been so great in helping out and understanding that mom and dad both need to work for our future, and that this is what Heavenly Father needs us to do right now. For being understand the best that they can in giving up their space and rooms so we could simply obey.
          Life is hard, it was't meant to be easy. But if we simply obey, life will be so worth the journey.

Its a new year!

It's a new year and a lot has changed. It's been two months since I last posted on here. In those two months, a lot has changed for us.
Skyler has graduated college with a bachelor's in computers, more specifically web page designing. I'm so extremely proud of him!! It's been a long road since started school, yet it seems like its gone by all to quickly. I have a very hard working and loving husband.
I went from working 10 hours a week and going in when time is good for me, to working full time, going for the deli manager (and receiving the position!). You know when you feel like you should do something, but it scares you to do so because it might just be the thing that breaks you. Well, this was it for me. Before now, being manager to anyone scared me. I honestly didn't think I had it in me. I'm a mom, and that's about as managerial (manager/material?) as I get. But, I prayed and prayed and I pondered and thought about this opportunity. And every answer/feeling I got was the same "this job is going to be good for you and those around you." Ever since I've got the
Is answer multiple times, I've been at such peace with this choice. And even though my head has been overwhelmed these past two weeks, I do not regret this decision at all.
Kyen turned 9 (and 1 year ago today we was baptized). He is learning how to MOD for Minecraft (computer language and design using Java script). He is doing so well is school and his school teacher is now his primary teacher too! Good thing he loves her :).
Kylie turned 7 and has made a really good friend this last year that is probably going to be a life long friend. These two girls are inseparable. That whole family is a pretty great family. We all love everyone of them!
Kylie has been into babies and that's it. No other toys. She's got maybe 15-20 babies that she's accumulated over this past year or two.
Kysen has been seizure free for a year and a half now and we have eliminated one of his meds. He has been doing so well since he's been weined off. Infact, he's not as cranky as he had been. I think weining him off of was the hardest. He got really emotional and cranky. But since he's been off he's his normal self :D. He's such a strong kid! His favorite thing to do is watch YouTube videos of tractors and playing with toy tractors. I think if we let him play with a real tractor his whole life would be complete, haha. He loves them that much.
Kyell turned one this last March and has been blooming into such an out going little human. His personality is just sprouting. He loves and thing his brother and sister do. He's talking more and more everyday. Kyell has so much personality and happiness about him. It's contagious to be around him. No one could possibly be sad around him...unless your his sibling and he intentionally pulls your hair!
This past year has been a tough one for each of us, yet so much happiness and growth has come and entered into our lives. And we could not be more grateful. 2016... Show us what you have in store for us! We're ready :D

Anxiety 101

I just got off work, and I honestly don't know what I'm doing staying up when I know I'm getting up early tomorrow morning because bug went to sleep early tonight. And I've got to work, and then play with the kiddos for a few hours before my hubs gets home and we head to Vegas to go to the temple. It's going to be a long LONG day. I really should just get to bed and sleep...but I can't. So... I blog.

Blogging is good for my soul. It's like a release button really. Once my fingers hit the key board all these thoughts I've been thinking are being released and it makes my anxiety levels go way down (weird, I know, but it's true!). That's why I'm writing this post. Anxiety. This thing that I have lived with on and off most of my life. When ever anything super life changing would happen, anxiety would spike in me and I'd turn into a mess. But more recently over the last 5 years or so, I've really gotten to know this part of me. The part of myself that thinks uncontrollable thoughts about what might be or could be. The part of me that worries endlessly if my kids will be alright, or if we'll all have a safe day or if this, or what if that. And though I have gotten to know that part of me so well, I'm also learning to recognize when I'm starting to go down that spiraling path of emotional destruction and I'm learning what works for me in getting me to think strait and to be happy again.

Anxiety sucks bad. I hate it. Not all Anxiety is the same either. There's panic attacks (those make me feel like I was dying! Lungs wont contract right, chest is tight, heart pounding out of my chest, the room I'm in looks distant and scary, I feel like I just need to pass out. At least that only last for a short time, even though it feels like forever!). There's just plain frustration and worry all the time. Never happy. Always having negative thoughts (that's more on the side of depression... but trust me, anxiety invites depression to party with it. They have fun dancing to the beat of the broken hearted). Then there's the tightness in your chest, blood is pumping way faster than normal... all the time, heart palpates irregularly (but only when you feel like this), it's not quite a panic attack, but you wish it was because panic attacks dont last for days on end.
This...this thing called anxiety... this is what happens to me when I grieve with another mother on the passing of her child. Or I grieve because someone who has a place in my heart has passed on so suddenly, and there's really no rhyme or reason at that moment as to why.

Anxiety tends to bring down my confidence in myself too. I feel so spiritually weak when I get like this. I second guess everything, and I forget almost everything, and I get so tired too. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety this pass week and today I finally had my break down. I cried. And I NEVER EVER cry... like ever. I just can't. I joke that my tear maker got busted when Kynzie passed away. I get sad, and my heart breaks, but I just can't ever cry. Well, today I did.

This pass week I have been thinking a lot about this mom and family who had recently lost their boy in a four wheeler accident. It was so sudden and so heartbreaking. I texted and talked to one of my really good friends (who is really close to this family) a lot over this pass week to see how she was doing and to see how things were with everything that was going on. And maybe I should have left all of it alone and just let it be. But, I just couldn't. I cared so much about how that mom felt. I've been there. I've felt that emptiness. I felt like my tears were never going to end. I've done that. But ignoring it would have been completely selfish of me to do, just so I could spare my own feelings. I did think about how this might effect me. I've done this before when some one I knew had passed on so suddenly. But the thought never went farther than that I might just get sad. No, I got much more than just sad. I got anxiety, but I was able to recognize it before it got any worse. I now know what to do when I get like this (hence the being on at 1am, just so I can get my feelings out). Blogging is great, but running and spinning is SOOO much better for my brain. I need to make time to exercise again. Not for the physical health of me(although that'll benefit), but for the emotional health of me.

I believe that before we came to this earth, Heavenly Father gave us a rundown on how our life was going to be. I believe that we knew what we were getting ourselves into before we came to this earth. And in that, we also knew the eternal perspective that our earthly life had for us. Sometimes we wonder, "what in the world were we thinking! Agreeing on having these trials...it's so dang hard! How are we ever going to move on...how are we ever going to survive...".
But, right now, even though we have an eternal promise and we may have a tiny glimpse of  what's in store for us in the long run. We don't always see the whole picture. We don't have the eternal perspective laid out right before us. What we had before we came to this earth. We have the promise of it, but we can't see it yet. I think that if we were able to see it, we'd get through this life with ease and it'd be a breeze to go through what we have to go through. But how would be learn if life was that easy.

I'll probably have to live with anxiety my whole life, but I know that without my Heavenly Father, I wouldn't be able to live my life with this anxiety. He makes it possible to get through my day. He makes it possible to get through work because of some awesome people I work with. He makes it all possible. Every single little thing.

Focus Danielle, just focus.

Tonight, was the first walk I've been on in quite some time. I felt cranky and mean and so unfocused. So I got out with the kids and sarah and her dogs and we walked for 45 min. It's been so busy with work...lots of work, kids and chores, that exercising has been pushed to the back burner. No, actually, exercise has been pushed out the window and dropped from 10 stories high. Dead. It died in my life and I miss it. I really need to make it a part of my routine again. It helps me focus a little of what I have lost focus on. Tonight I focused on these things...

1. Babies. As much as I love babies, I am no where near ready to have another little Neil running around. Bug has serious jealousy. Kysen loves the babies so so SO much that it scares me he might just strangle the babies. And Kylie will want the baby by her side ALL THE TIME... all the time. Kyen is the only normal one, haha. All this learned by baby sitting my little 2 month old niece tonight. 
2. Patience. It's not necessarily with those around me. I need to have patience with myself. I get so upset with how i think sometimes. I try not to let things irritate me but when they do, I have a hard time letting it go. Especially if it's of importance to me. 
3. Exercise. It's good for me. Mind body and spirit. Plain and simple. 
4. Personal Scriptures and prayers. Needs to be a daily routine. And not just "let's quickly get these done so I can get on with my day" type thing. I find that when I really sit down, let my kids be for a bit, and focus on the spirit then my day is a million times better than when I just speed through or say I'll do it at night and then I never do because I end up falling asleep. 
5. Maybe I should just go hide for a day or two when I'm going to do my monthly thing. Ever since I had Kyell, and I've started again, my emotions have been all messed up during that time. And my periods are alll messed up. Like every 45-50 days or so, messed up. I never use to be like this. Everything use to be normal and it's not anymore. 

Usually I write how much of a blessing today has been even though it's been a crazy one. I'll keep it short and simple and say this. I was able to focus on a few things that have been jumbled around in my head for the past few days. Now let hope I can apply these things to my life. That can count for a blessing. 

Family: My duty to God

I've had a lot on my mind about families and the importance of raising children lately. I was on LDS.org this morning and started browsing "families" and came across this talk given by L. Tom Perry in the 2003 General Conference. This whole talk is pretty great, but these two paragraphs stuck out at me the most. To me, being a mother and a wife is the most important mission that I have on this earth. I believe it's one that is so vital for when the veil is lifted and we have all passed on to the other side.

“President Brigham Young explained that our families are not yet ours. The Lord has committed them to us to see how we will treat them. Only if we are faithful will they be given to us forever. What we do on earth determines whether or not we will be worthy to become heavenly parents.”

I don't know about you, but I certainly want to to do the best that I can to treat my kids the best that I can. To teach my kids the best that I can. That doesn't mean making life sugar and lolly pops for them. That means, to love them unconditionally, teaching them responsibility, love, compassion, patience, hard work, helping them to know for themselves what's right and what's wrong, teaching them that there are consequences for everyrhing...good and bad. We only have 18 years to help our kids become the best that they can possibly become before they go out on their own and discover the world as an adult.

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. ‘Children are an heritage of the Lord’ (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

When I get to the other side and am being judged for my life here on this earth, I want to know that my husband and I did the best that we could to raise Heavenly Fathers children is such a way that would be pleasing to Him. That we treated each other as husband and wife, in the best way we know how too. That we showed love for each other and for our children. I know that their are going to be times we mess up. There have been already and there will be more. But that's what is so great about the gospel. We can repent and be forgiven...no matter what we've done. Heavenly Father is there to forgive us, as long as we can soften our hearts and ask to be forgiven. For everything we go through, it's all a learning experience. take what you can from it and move forward.

My plan for this mortal life is to be the best mom and wife I can possibly be (including all time times I may mess up...I'll learn). Raising my family is my duty to God.

Five years already

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with her. I remember the whole preganacy...best pregnancy I could have asked for. I remember the day I went to my doctors appointment and he said, "you're at a 5, let keep ya!". I had Kyen and Kylie with me, Skyler was at work, and all 3 of us sat outside of the doctors office and called him. Kyen said, " dad, we are having a baby today!" Skyler was so thrilled! Skyler drove up and then my mom came up a little later and took my two older ones. We were so excited to finally meet our new little one. We had waited all day before the hospital could get us in, it was hot and we were tired. We walked around all day trying to get aome contractions going. Nothing was working...nothing. We finally got checked in the hospital shortly after dinner and got the PIT started. So many emotions were going through me...through us. Skyler and I could hardly wait to meet her! 7 hours later, at 4:14am I gave birth to our 7lb bundle of pure preciousness. It had been the easiest birth I had so far. From the time she "dropped" she was out in 3 pushes. My doctor layed her on my chest and from that moment i looked into her eyes, I knew she was here on this earth for more than I had anticipated. She held onto my finger so tightly, and he daddy had that finger hold as well that morning she was born. 

That evening, my two older kids came in with their Grandma and Grandpa Klunker and uncle Robert. They sat upon my bed and were so excited to see their new baby sister. The love they had been waiting to give to Kynzie instantly sparked and the room was filled with such happiness. They couldn't get enough of her.

They didn't want to leave the hospital, but visiting hours were coming to a close and I was exausted. They were so sad to leave but I told them I'd see them the next day. Well, shortly after 24 hours of giving birth, I was headed home, to my kids, to my house, to my own comfy bed. I was tired but life felt so great! For every single moment that she took her breaths, for every person that got to hold her and feel of her sweetness, for every little moment Kylie and Kyen got to experience with her...all of those moments were Heaven sent. They were meant to be. I am so thankful for Kynzie and her willingness to be apart of those great moments, moments that are precious blessings we hold so close to our hearts. These blessings still continue even though she's on the other side of the veil.
This birthday has been a happier one for me. I usually have a hard time during these next 6 weeks. I feel like I go into this fog around this time because I just want to go back in time and relive those precious moments that I had with Kynzie. I just want her back. I would give a million natural births just to see her again, just to have her hold my finger one more time, just to hear her little baby giggles (none of my babies giggled as early as Kynzie did!). This year I can say that celebrating her birthday has been exactly that, a celebration...a joyous celebration. 

I love to talk about Kynzie, I believe it has helped with my healing process, one of which I know will be life long, until I meet with her again. Each year, it gets a little easier and each year, we get a little closer to our reunion. Until we meet again my dear.

Heavenly Father is very aware of us...each and every one.

"We need to get our temple recommends renewed, yesterday... I need to be more diligent in pondering my scriptures... The house is a mess but, I need to focus more on the kids... Can't we just being time for church, just once?..." The list goes on.

Thoughts like this have gone through my head for the past little while now. I'm not exactly sure when I started thinking like this, I haven't always. But this negativity has been creaping up on me oh so silently and has caught me off guard. This morning, I was so focused on making sure that we had a happy morning, that my kids were happy, that we were ready at a decent time. I wanted Ky to have a good morning because he's been getting upset so easily lately. Today he was my main focus. So I told my little dude, " Alright Ky, do you trust me?" He looked at me all confused and says, "what?" I told him, "Do you trust me? I want to know if you trust me". Still confused, he says " yes.." I said, "okay, then today I want you and I to count how many smiles you can put on your face. Our prophet Gordon B Hinkley says that if we can put a smile on our face every day, then it'll make our day that much brighter." He didn't want to at first but I asked him "what could it hurt. It definitely won't make your day worse, right?" So I started being goofy while he was brushing his teeth, then bug did something goofy that made him laugh and with each smile he did I said "There's one smile!! There's another! Is that 5 smiles already?!" Which in turn made him smile more. Then in the car on the way to church, Sky said, " mommy needs to start counting her smiles" half way joking, but mostly serious. I just grunted at him. Then it hit me... I've been kind of a Debby downer lately too. I've been focusing so negatively on things lately. It was while I was in the bishops office today while getting my recommend signed, that my heart became very humbled. He said something so simply, but the power of his simple statement made such a profound impact on my heart. He said this, "I told Skyler the same thing, but I just have to tell you guys I'm so impressed with you guys. You guys are here every week, not just to show up, but to actually be here. Your diligent in your classes. During sacrament meeting today, as you guys walked in, these thoughts came to me. You're a great family. I just needed to tell you guy this". You know that lump in your throat you get when you are so over wealmed with happiness, you could just cry? Yeah, that was me. I didnt cry, but I sure felt like doing so. What he said was so simple but its exactly what I needed to hear. Its like while Bishop Brown was speaking to me, Heavenly Father was speaking to my heart. We try so hard to be diligent in what we do that's good as a family. We try to make it to church every Sunday. We try to listen to our prophet. We try to be kind. We try. That's just it, we try. That's exactly what our Father in Heaven wants us to do. Right now, each one of us are on different paths in our lives, but if we try our best to do our best, even if its difficult at the time, Heavenly Father is rejoicing. He is so happy when we try our best, even when we feel like life sucks and we aren't getting anywhere with how hard we try. He is very aware of us...each and every one. My heart is very different from where it was this morning. I've lost count of my smiles, and so has Ky. I'm not saying that Im am jumping around with Joy like a crazy person. I'm saying that I am more humbler than I was this morning with a happier look on my face, and a huge smile on my heart. Oh! And teaching in the nursery has been such a huge blessing. I LOVE...absolutely LOVE teaching nursery and I love the amazing woman I teach with. I miss my other wards, and I had my presumptions about coming into this one, but those presumptuous feelings are long gone. My love for this ward has grown so imensly over the last 9 months. Crazy! 9 months already since we moved. Heavenly Father knows us and is very aware, I know this to be true.