Summer break

We have a month left until school starts. These first 6 weeks have been anything but simple. Every summer my neices and nephews come over to spend some one on one time with their mom and get to spend some time with their cousins as well. We also have another neice and nephew that love to come over to hang out with their cousins too. So for about 6 weeks we have between 10-12 kids constantly in the house. It's insane and at times difficult. But despite the difficult times, a lot of fun memories have been made this summer. Those 6 weeks are up, things are going to begin to go back to normal (but we shall see... From my last post, change is the new normal, haha). Here's a few memories caught on camera that truly reveal these kids had a lot of fun 🙂

Life is ever changing

Change is the new normal for us lately. Back in January, Skyler started a new job at the Caesars Entertainment Corporate office. About 2 weeks after he started I started to miscarry again. I went in to my first appointment, had my ultrasound the ultrasound tech showed me that there was no heart beat and no blood flow...my heart sank. I remember that day before my appointment looking at baby clothes in Target and getting so excited.
Skyler was offered a week off to be with me just after two weeks of starting his new job. That was amazing to me and was so comforting. I needed him home. The cramps were there and the bleeding made me a little dizzy at times. We had set up for a D&C to be done. That morning I hopped in a hot shower to try and get the contractions to feel a little better. Not even 5 minutes after my shower I ended up on the toilet, passing a lot of blood and lining from my uterus...and the baby still intact in the sack that was still all together. I had no idea that I had done that though until I looked down. I felt stuff clots come out so I didn't think about it, but when I looked down in the middle of the toilet I saw a tiny round clear ball sitting on top of all that had just come out. I thought to my self, "no way..." So I put some gloves on and grabbed what I thought to be the baby in the sack and yes...it most definitely was the sack with the baby still inside. Amniotic fluid and all. I called for sky and he came in the bathroom...I told him what had happened before I showed him and he couldn't believe it. So I showed him and the feeling in the bathroom was so peaceful. We weren't scared, we weren't sad, we were just comforted with an over whelming amount of peace. It was so crazy. I was expecting to feel scared or upset or sad, but it was very much the opposite. I called my doctor and told him what had happed and so we drove up to St George, with the baby and sack in tow and handed it off. I didn't need surgery as everything was coming out normal (halleluiah...phew!). They did testing on it and everything came back normal on both the baby and I. It wasn't until about a month later when I told Skyler that I didn't was to try for another baby. I was done trying for a long time. I was nervous to have another miscarriage and I didn't want to chance that again while being a manager, working full time hours, taking care of things at the house and with the kids, and summer time approaching (summers get a little crazy around here. Lots of nieces and nephews). So we held off on trying. Skyler was working on getting comfortable with this new change in his new Job. I was trying to give my best at work, and baseball season was going great for the kiddos. Life was busy and crazy but it was manageable and we were doing it with the best of our abilities. On May 23rd, I took a pregnancy test before my period even started. I had a thought that maybe? We had slipped and I told sky that I didn't want to try that again. I didn't want to get pregnant at all. So we prevented. Well, the test came out positive. And I couldn't believe it. So I took another one and yeah, it came out positive too. I was nervous and beyond myself. It didn't take very much at all for this to happen. In June we had girls camp which was so fun and such a neat experience to have gone and been around the girls. I was already feeling sick through out the day and mornings were a little rougher to deal with but it all felt normal to me (the boobs hurting, my ligaments stretching, my headaches, my 'morning' sickness) so I was happy and okay with it.
On my way home from girls camp, I had this impressionable thought that kept running through my head that I needed to step down. I've had my moments in the past where I've wanted to but I felt as though I shouldn't (and for certain reasons, I am so very glad that I stuck with it. So many blessings have come to my family and a few friends from this job and the position I had). This time, I had no intentions on stepping down at all. I was all ready to go back to the daily grind and do my job. But was I was driving home off the mountain with a few of the girls, I had this overwhelming thought that I need to step down. It was time for me to put more of my focus on my family and this pregnancy. So, when I got back to work, after talking with my bosses, I told then that I'm going to step down. I need to focus on my family more and the pregnancy.
Since then, I've been a whole lot less overwhelmed. I've been extremely tired and have had to slow down just a little. I am still nauseous and places on my body are starting to grow.
My first appointment yesterday went really well. Heart beat is 171 and there is a little baby in there with a tiny little body that my kids say looks like a bean with arms and legs haha. Kylie keeps saying that this one is going to be a girl. She really wants another baby sister and that would be something else if this one is a girl. I have no idea, no feeling, as to what the sex of the baby will be. All I know is that I feel this pregnancy is going to stick and I just hope I have a healthy baby...boy or girl.
Life is all about changing, growing, and learning. Often times we are tested not to discover our weaknesses but to discover our strengths...as we will often focus on the weakness, we need to find the strength that we have and focus on that. Recently, that has applied so much to our lives.
With my job, Skyler's job, this new pregnancy, trying to find a rental...often times we are reminded that things happens on the lord timetable, not ours as we tend to sometimes plan for. Life is ever changing. We just need to trust in the lord that things will ALWAYS work out, and sometimes in ways that we couldn't ever imagine.

Change of thinking

As Kynzie's birthday is coming up this Saturday, I've been letting my mind wonder a bit. And I'll be honest, it's put me into a bit of a slump...and everything else around me hasn't been helping me get out of this slump that I'm in either. 
I can't help but think about how she would be if she were here today. What she would look like, how she would be, her favorite things about this earthly life, if Kylie and her would be a like, if she'd be a snuggle bug like the rest of my kids are...the kisses and loves we'd be able to give each other, the moments of laughter, the family time spent together...and as I wonder these things, I also wonder if we'd be where we are today...if Skyler would be through school...if things would be the way they are now, if she was still here. And I have to say, I know that they wouldn't. I know that even though life hurts sometimes and that our emotions get the best of us, everything has a solid purpose in this life. I may not understand fully as to why things happen or why our Father allows us to hurt so much, but I do know that what ever trials we go through on this earth, the things that we suffer while we are here trying to do OUR best at this life, will be so worth it...the reward will be greater than we could ever imagine. 
Being in this slump, I tend to put myself under a rock and put walls up so high that I can't see the beauty that already around me. I start to focus on everything that's annoying g and frustrating and I start to get angry. I have less patience for my kiddos and my husband. I assume things that aren't and want to seclude myself from everyone around me. This is exactly what I should NOT be doing. Doing this will lead me down a road to anxiety and depression. One that I don't want to relive again. 
This has to change, I've got to change my way of thinking. Every negative thought will have a positive one to replace it. And as Kynzie's birthday and her passing day are only 6 weeks apart...I will do my best to remain focused on the good things that are in my life, so I can be a better mom, and better wife, a better friend, and a happier person. Taking this one day at a time...one thought at a time. 

Just some thoughts

I was going through my family history today after church. It's amazing to me how much has been done on my mom's side and how much has NOT been done on my dad's side. I love reading and hearing about their lives. Family history has always been an interest of mine and very recently our church has put a huge emphases on getting as much work done as we can and encouraging those around us to do the same. While going through names and searching, I decided to come back to my own family....then I saw Kynzie's name. I clicked on her profile and started reading the stats...then I read the date that she was blessed. My heart sank a little thinking about that day...her blessing day. Everything about that day was so simple, yet so filled with the spirit. Skyler remembers her looking up while he was giving the blessing and she was just so calm...as if she was just soaking in everything....like the day she was born. Just soaking everything in. No crying, just eyes wide open...soaking everything in. She was always like that. But the date of her blessing was what stuck out to me the most this time. She was blessed only 3 days before she passed. Just 3 days! We usually had waited to get our kids blessed till 3 months or so but with her, Skyler and I had such a strong feeling to do it much sooner. And with the way things were falling into place, heaven definitely had a huge hand in making sure that it happened. Thinking back to the day of her passing...Skyler and I both knew that her time was done on this earth. The signs, the sweet yet simpleness of her baby blessing, the feelings...everything played out the way that it was suppose to and there is no denying that fact.

While we were talking about family history, we talked about work that is done on the other side of the veil. It doesn't stop here. Infact this is only a small part of what work needs to be done. I might believe that Kynzie is our guardian angel...and maybe she is. Those hearts I see don't lie. But I also strongly feel like she plays a part in this work that needs to be done from the other side. Having this feeling makes me doing my part in family history while I'm here on this earth that much more rewarding.