Blessings in the midst of hardship

Where do I even start? All I feel like I do is complain lately. Maybe it's just venting? I don't know. But, I try so hard not to complain. I guess I'll start from the begining.

Last summer we found out that we needed to pay for the rest of Skyler's schooling. He had a little less than a year left and we definitely weren't going to put things on hold. We thought about getting another loan, but that just didn't feel right. After going through our options, the only thing that felt right was to move in with Skyler's parents. It was a feeling I'll never forget though. I was sitting in the kitchen going through the kids art work/homework. I remember getting a text from Skyler saying that we needed to pay for his schooling. I sat there on the floor, looked up to the heavens and said, "We're really going to have to move, aren't we?" And then the most reassuring feeling came over me. I was feeling two different feelings at once. I certainly didn't want to live with family. But I knew that that was the best thing to do. There was no denying what the holy ghost was whispering to my heart. So, we packed up, moved into Skyler's parents house, and we were out of our house by the end of October. I was not ready for this. I had my presumptions about how it was going to be. I've lived with family before we had kids and didn't like it much. It was hard. Not because of them, just because of the situation. I was nervous for my kids, nervous for mine and Skyler's relationship, nervous for our family that we would be living with, nervous that we wouldnt get the space that we need... both families. So many things I was worried about.

Fast forward to now... looking back on when we first moved in 8 months ago, I thought things were going to be so much different than they have been. The little things that I worried about, I should have just let go. With out going into much detail, things (both spiritual and frustrating) I never imagined possible has happened. So many blessings have come from us moving into this big house. Here's only a few but ones I have found most important.

...I'm counting my blessings, one by one...

1. Mine and Skyler's relationship has been strained and tested many times in the last 8 months. Our relationship has gotten so much stronger as well. We are definitely closer to eachother than ever before.

2. My kids have definitely felt the strain of not having our own place. It been a challenge for my oldest especially. I've noticed that it has made him be more responsible and he has gained more of an understanding about how to deal with different kinds of people. Even though he still has his moments of frustrations but he has definitely grown.

3.My anxiety has been tested so many times...terribly. I have had it bad at times (high blood pressure, dizzy, can't think, totally out of it). It was bad at first when we first moved in. Not because of my mother and father inlaw, but because of the situation in whole. Over these short 8 months, my body has released my anxiety in a few different ways, but over time, I have learned to let a lot go. It hasn't been easy either. But something that I am so thankful for.

4. Happy Bug. Need I say more? This little ball of sunshine has been a constant source of happiness in this home. Doesn't matter what's going on around him, he's always got a smile on his face and if you've been around him, you know that light that he carries with him, you know how that feels. He has taught me so much about how to be happy. Every time I hug this little guy of mine, my heart melts. He gives hugs like no other baby I've ever seen before.

5. I didn't realize before, but we never use to make time for just our family. We were always going, goung, going. And then when we did get some time, Skyler and I would go to the Temple, or just out on a date and those didn't happen very often. Even though we've not really gone "out", we have learned that making time for just our family in a whole was very important. It brings us closer together and let's us enjoy eachother.

In each hardship, blessing are bound to be. We may not see them right away, heavenly father may not alow them to happen when we think they need to, but blessings do come in each trial that we face. I remember when Kynzie passed away, I thought how unfair it was for her to leave us. How unfair it was for us not being able to say goodbye. So many things I thought were unfair. But almost instantly after her passing, I felt the Lord's love fall upon me. I felt hurt and loved at the same time. He let me know that it was all for a good cause. That it was her time, that she had important work to do on the other side. At the time I felt all of this, I never really allowed it to be a blessing. I was sad and mad, and I knew I was loved, all at the same time. After going through the motions of the loss. I started to realized how much of a blessing those feelings were and still are. From one trial has come many, many, so many blessings. And not just to me and my family, but others as well. I believe life is all about learning and growing and life definitely been that for me. I hope that through the midst of the hardships we face as a family, that each one of us are able to see the blessing that follow.

Craziness of my life; compilations of drafts

Life for most people is crazy and busy and chaotic at times, especially with those who have younger kids. But for us, life has taken busy to a whole new level lately. Skyler and I talked about how this seems to be our challenge right now in life. And what a challenge it is. It seems that being organized has been quite a challenge in itself. And laundry... HA! Lets not even go there. Lets just be happy that it's washed. I decided that I was going to set goal for my self last week when I had decided that I had enough of being unorganized and it being so chaotic. There's a few other factors that I think have contributed to the crazy/chaoticness we have going on here. But, I believe that even when things around us are not what we desire them to be, we have it in ourselves to change our perspective and find inner peace instead of trying to find peace that we seek for, around us. My point... when things are chaotic and unorganized, I have a hard time finding that peace I strive for. So, I started to make some weekly and monthly goals to find my inner peace. A few are to start running in the morning when bug wakes up at 5/6am, extensively plan out our finances, getting to bed before 11pm, and have some things planned out for this summer break (I am SOOO EXCITED for summer break!! I LOVE having my kiddos home!). But one that has been nagging at me for the past two weeks is to blog. I absolutely love to blog. I love to write. Usually I would blog right before bed but I've been getting to bed so late (hence the "getting to bed before 11pm" goal) and so I'm so tired that I just don't do it. It definitely wont happen during the day either. Tonight, all the kids were in bed at a decent time and I didn't work late. Skyler says to me, "why don't you go blog?" I was like "YEAH! That could happen." So I opened my blog page, scrolled down to posts and to my dismay, saw all of these unfinished blogs. I'm not joking, I have like 10 of them half way finished just from this year and some part of last year. So, here it is, my blog post about life being busy, be finding my inner peace and about my compilations of blog drafts.

Life Lately

So much has happened in this last month! To start it all off, at the end of June, Skyler and I went to go see WWE in Las Vegas. I have got to admit that I was at first going just because Skyler was sooo excited that it was going to be here, so close to us. The fact that he loves to watch it was another reason. But, more got added in my reason to go. We got there, got to our seats and waited for it to start. Then once it started, the energy in that stadium was so amazing! I ended up cheering the wrestlers on, not only for Skyler, but for myself! Crazy, I know, but it was a lot of fun! Now, It doesn't mean that I'm going to watch every view that plays. But, I'm so very glad that that we went to that, and I'd do it again too :)! Next came the 4th of July. Early that morning Skyler, Kyen, Kylie, and I made our way up to the fair grounds and celebrated with some circuit games that had been set up for everyone, followed with the fire trucks coming and having hose wars... spraying and cooling everyone off. The fire trucks coming was the highlight of Kyen's and Kylie's morning! They think it is so cool that Russy (a family friend who lives with us) is on the Volunteer Fire Department. They had been looking forward to him coming up with those the whole morning. Once the trucks got up there, the fire fighters let all the kids go in and sit and test the siren. Kyen and Kylie were in there  entire time I swear! I thought it was really awesome how Russy let them be in there nearly the whole time. He really loves those kids and I'm grateful for it. Later that afternoon, we ended up over at my in-laws house and all of the kids needed to get out and burn some energy off so, Skyler and I took all of the kids down to the soccer field at the middle school and played soccer with them. It didn't last too long, lol. Before we knew it, all the kids were in the stands, tired and cooling off in the shade. So, we lasted about 30 minutes, and then left because of how hot it got. Oh! and Skyler got a pretty good battle wound from sliding on the ground to kick the ball! That night, we all headed up to the fairgrounds again and planted a pretty good spot to watch the city fire works. They were pretty good this year. After that we all headed over to Skyler's mom and dad's house and did our own fireworks there. Kylie had fallen asleep on the way home, so we laid her down. Kyen on the other hand couldn't wait to shoot off the fireworks that Skyler and I bought! He was so thrilled to be helping his daddy too! July 4th was really exciting and fun. Best of all, my kids had a blast and that makes me so happy! Next came swimming just about every day and packing to move. Moving this time around has been very difficult for me. I had 7 weeks to go when we found out the we needed to be out of our house by the 25th of July. That for me was pretty difficult. I like to leave things better than when we found it, and besides more nail holes in the wall from all my pictures being hung, I'd say we did pretty good. It was very stressful though! Now we are all moved into our new place and I have to say, even though it's a little smaller, we have dirt as our yard, and we have more junk that needs to be gone through and thrown away, I love this new place. It feels very homely and I feel so good about living here. My kids love it too :).
Now, as time nears Kyson's arrival to our family, I feel as though we are completly ready for him to come. I've got everything ready to go for him and I, and everything inside my house is unpacked and put away. Kyson is full term now and so it's all up to my little buddy when his arrival will be.

Skyler and I at the Cheese Cake Factory...

Dinner before WWE

Haha! Sky had dip n' dots in his mouth!

And the show begins :)

Kyen and Kylie in the Fire Truck

Kyen loved it in here

Kyen is such a big helper. A kid got stucks after getting burried in the sand and so ky and a few kids helped dig him out.

Water wars at the Fair grounds... July 4th

Jenn and miss Kylie Anne :)

Jenn and Don at the Cheese Cake Factory :)

Apparently lawn mowing isn't for the pregnant ones...

I've got 8 weeks to go on this pregnancy and I'm so very excited for this little guy to come! But, I've got a funny little story to tell that happend to me last night. It was around 7pm and Kylie wanted to go play outside and ride her bike around so I went out with her while skyler was playing the XBOX for a little bit. I didn't just want to go out there and do nothing while Kylie rode her bike. So, Skyler tried to mow our lawn a couple of days ago but we ran out of gas and so we just got some today for it. Anyways, it was all gased up and ready to go and so I figured I could just do it while Kylie rode her bike up and down the drive way. And besides, I love doing yard work! Seriously! I love to mow the lawn (I like the smell of fresh cut lawn too), to do the trimmings, and to make my yard look good. Now we haven't been keeping up on our yard lately because we've been really busy. But, when I get the chance, I love to go out and do what i can. Soooo... I started to mow the lawn (what's lawn mowing, right? It's not hard at all. You just push it around in even lines and it does the rest. It's easier than pushing a stroller, which I do as well), and a couple of men from my ward pull up across the street. They were volenteering to help a young mom in the ward mow her lawn, but they apparently saw me first. And one of them comes out of the car and comes up and I let the mower off. He says, "This right here is soooo wrong! You're not suppose to be doing this!" Inside I'm laughing because how many times have I heard that I cant do things that I want to do. I wasnt doing anything hard at all. Then, I thought that maybe he thinks that my hubby doesn't want to do it so I did it myself (haha). They all were pretty angry about it! So, I told them that I love to do yard work. Pregnant or not, I'm still going to do what I want to do as long as I feel safe about it. (mind you, Skyler told me before I went out and started, "you realize you're pregnant, right? You really shouldn't be doing this" I just said, "Yeah... And...??" like it was no big deal. Well, apparently it was!) So, I told them what Skyler had said, and they just laughed. The men asked if they could PLEASE let them do my yard for me if I let them borrow my lawn mower for the lawn accross the street. I told them they could deffinetly use my lawn mower but they really didn't have to do my yard for me. Well, I caved and let them do it. They even did the back yard too!! Scooped up dog poop and took out a couple of nasty sunflowers that had grown in my back yard over the last couple of weeks as well! I guess I'm not suppose to do yard work when I'm this pregnant!? I thought it was all very funny.... Skyler said to me when I had told him all of what had happened, "great, they probably think I'm freeking lazy or something..." And I didn't mean to have it all come off like this. So, he started cleaning our bedroom and putting laundry away. I thought this whole thing was pretty funny. But, to avoid any more "getting in trouble", I'm going to keep my yard work to the back yard where it's all fenced in the wood fencing so no one can see. I promise, I'm not going to push my self to far. I would never do that. I like to stay busy though. and if it's mowing the lawn that I want to do, I'm going to do it. However, I am so grateful that they stopped by and did all of that yard work for me. They had it all finnished with in 30 min (maybe a little less) and I know that I couldn't have had that done in that little amount of time. That's my silly story :)

My new stress...!

So, we just got news tonight that we've got one month to move out of this house. Our landlord is going through a divorce and needs to move back into this house for personal reasons, which I get (I think). But, WOW!! One month?! Really!? I'm 2 months from having this little guys and I'm freeking out here!! It would be different if we had a place lined up, or atleast one in mind. But we dont and I'm not about to just get a place just because we need to be out. I want to feel good about moving into the place and I want my kids to feel comfortable about it too (although, Skyler and I do get the final say so). I'll have about 4 weeks until Kyson will be ready to come and if I want him to stay in his little incubator for that long I'm not going to be able to do a darn thing around here! Which frusterates me completly! I'm so independant when it comes to moving. I love the help, don't get me wrong. But, I'm usually right there with the guys lifting furniture and moving as fast as I can to get the packing done and the move done as quick as possible. Not this time around I'm not! It's going to make me crazy! So, we are getting a storage unit tomorrow (hopefully) and are going to start moving things we dont need in there. Then I'll make some calls tomorrow as well, to see in any houses are for rent. And then hopefully with in a week, we'll find something (crossing my fingers).
On a more spiritual note, I know that I'm completly stressing out and I am planning on going a little more crazier than I am now with in the next month... I know that with out a doubt that this is going to be a good move for us and I do that everything is going to work out for the better of us. About 3 weeks ago, Skyler and I decided that we don't want to buy right now. The reason being is when Skyler is done with school, he's going to find a job in the field that he's going to school for (something in computer software) and if that ends up making us move out of town, then buying a house right now would be not very smart if in 3 years, we end up having to move. If we don't move, that's great! But, we feel we need to just wait, and waiting we will. But, I talked to our landlord about not buying the house and she told us that would be fine. She told us that she's going through a divorce and that if anything was to happen, it wouldn't be for a year or so. So, I did see us moving out eventually. The silly thing was though, latley I've felt that we weren't going to be in this house for very long, and i just chalked it up to, yeah, we're going to move within a years time. I didn't think 'not very long' would be 30 days! So, Skyler and I told our kids that we'd have to be moving soon and we still have to find another house. Our smart little Kyen came back with the comment of, "Okay, here's what we've gotta do. We've gotta think about this, think about it tonight alot, and then we've gotta pray about it, and then tomorrow we can talk about it. And everything is going to work out. I know it'. Yes, I'm not joking! Those wise words came from my sweet little 4 year old who's favorite game to play right now is Mario Brothers! Skyler gave him a big hi-five and I wanted to cry (partially because my hormones are through the roof right now). So, we've got alot of praying and thinking to do in the next few weeks and i feel as though I have ALOT of cleaning to do! I want this house to be in better shape than when we moved in and it will be. I will make sure of it, just so I know that we get our deposit back, no questions asked. To bring this blog to a close, I have so much faith that things are going to work out with this move and that our little Kyson is going to be a healthy baby coming into this world. And I pray that we find a house that we feel good about soon. All I need to do is just breathe...

Just a few thoughts and remembering of Kynzie Brei

         I was looking through pictures of when I was pregnant with Kynzie and I can still remember everything from when I was pregnant with her. All the emotions, the way I felt, how big I got... everything. And so, I got looking through the pictures and came across a few I'd post that reminded me a lot of her. I remember from the moment she came out, the very first thing Skyler said to me was, "hun, look how perfect she is!" and I didn't really get to look, she wasn't quite on my chest yet, so I just said, "yeah babe" but then he said, "No hun, really, look, she is so perfect!" Once I had her on me while they were cleaning her off, I really took a good look at her. She really was so very perfect! I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it was the feeling we got, or maybe it was just looking at her that made us feel like that, I don't know. But, she really was so perfect. I remember going taking her home, and how many people wanted to hold her and to talk to her. Normally, I would be so hesitant to let anyone around my babies, let alone hold them. But, with Kynzie, I didn't really have any fear of that (odd, I know). I guess I never really thought of it. Of course, I had sanizer EVERYWHERE I went and anyone who wanted to touch her had to put that stuff on. But, to get back to what I was saying, I'm glad I let so many people hold her and touch her and talk to her. She was an amazing baby and is still such an amazing spirit. I guess to sum all this mumbo-jumbo talk up... Remembering Kynzie is such a sweet thing and I love to talk about her with my kids every chance I get. I pray that they will always remember helping with the baths, letting her suck on their fingers (germy, I know, But it was the best thing that worked next to mommys milk- and not from the bottle, from me), holding her in the stroller when we went on walks, kissing her, hugging her and most of all, how much they loved her. I hope my kids are always as close as they are now to each other.

                                                                              
 Me, pregnant with Kynzie at 33 weeks!! Look at that Bump!

That's the very first thing that Kynzie did, was hold my finger!!

Kynzie, Skyler And I

Daddy loves his little girl!!!

   I could never get enough of her

 Kylie just loves her sister so very much!

 Kyen loves her so much!

Kyen and Kylie were always so carefull with her and they ALWAYS wanted to help with everything that involved Kynzie... giving her baths, giving her the binky (that she totally did not like one bit), and changing her diapers (yup, even the poopies!).

 Most recent of my handsome                      Kyky                                                 

 

 Most recent of my beautiful                       Kylie                                                  

   They are best the of friends! Now, if Kyen would stop digging for gold here...

                                                          

Kyen and Kylie love to be up here at the cemetary, especially by Kynzie's headstone :)

                                             

   This is it! The stone that we finally got put in after months of getting it the way we wanted it. It's so perfec think and fits our baby girl so well with how small yet bold the stone turned out to be :)