Trying to keep positive

Well, he's here...Kyleb George is here and we all couldn't be any happier. We are all soaking all of his loves and snuggles up and are making such sweet memories.
I have been pretty good. Healing quickly, and getting my energy back (yay!!). But I won't lie, as much as I want to believe that everything is going to be okay with him, my anxiety gets the best of me and my mind wonders off into the dark "what ifs".
I've done this with both Kysen and Kyell and got hardly any sleep for that first year of their lives. I know that there are things in life that I have absolutely zero control over. And though I know that it was Kynzie's time to go and so many blessings have come from her presence in our lives. There's been so much light and tender mercies as well. Theres the dark side of losing her that tends to creep up on me as well, usually when I have a new baby. I'm just so unsure of what may come and focusing on the negative side becomes so easy, almost automatic. Focusing on the positive side gets to be more difficult and I start to lose my focus.
When things seem so good and we are happy, I brace myself for the very worst... like my mind goes into this flight or fight mode and I start to worry... "What can I do to prevent this or that" constantly runs through my mind. Because just like any storm that doesn't stay for very long, neither does any sunny weather. I know that I over think a lot. I know that a lot of these dark feelings and thoughts I have, the adversary enjoys playing his part on.
All I can do is continue to pray. Continue to keep my focus on the positives even if it's hard. Continue to keep making memories, to keep the kids involved with Kyleb. Keep taking it day by day and just focus on that. I'm aware where my mind is right now half the time, but I'm also aware of what I need to do and that I just need to breath.

Seasons in life

Embrace each season of life. For it is just that...a season. You see, I have decided to live, not just endure, each season of my life, and as I am about to embark on a new season in my life, I've done a lot of contemplating on making good use of my time while I stay home with my family. I've done the stay at home mom thing before and I've done the work full time, and being a manager mom thing as well. Although I've done the working mom far more than I have the stay at home mom, I'm ready for this. Im aware of the time I need to give my self, the time I need to give my kids, the time I need to give my husband, and other things in my life that mean a lot to me. Balancing my time is going to be the very thing I'm going to focus on.

The time I have spent working full time and even as a manager is not time waisted by any means. As hard as it was to balance my time between home and work, it was well worth every effort spent. I've learned to be more organized, learned that it is okay to let my kids learn and grow and to be more independent. I've learned about sacrifice and love. I've learned about making time for myself. I have met a lot of people, have made a few life long friends. But most of all, I have learned what is most important in life. I have learned to really try to just go with the flow of life and what it has to offer. Life is ever changing and we as humans are forever growing in many ways. 

Season's arent always easy...embrace each one anyways.

Being pregnant this time around hasn't been easy by any means. I've fought to get this little monkey here and it has literally been emotionally draining. I almost gave up and had told Skyler that if I didn't get pregnant this time, I was done trying. I meant it with my whole heart too. Heaven knew better. It wasn't a threat to my father in heaven but an act of me being tired and done with being so emotionaly drained. He knew. He knew how done I had felt. He knew the thoughts I had. He knew how hard work was. He knew how hard I had fought. As excited as I am, it hasn't been easy with this little monkey. Hormones being out of whack, fighting with my thoughts and trying to keep them positive, not letting my anxiety overwealm me, being extremely tired, trying to be patient with a lot of things, (is there such a thing as pregnancy OCD?? If so, I've got it, and it's so intense sometimes). But with all of this said, I still can't get over how blessed I feel. I had a blessing a while back when work was just so much, home seemed to be overwhelming, and I just felt completely incapable of doing any of it. In that blessing I was promised that great things were to come in life and to just keep going forward, keep the faith, keep trying my best and great things will happen soon. That was about a year ago shortly after I had my last miscarriage. Three and half months later I became pregnant. That was the start of the "great things to come". It hasn't been easy, but it has been great. We are having another baby boy, I have patiently waited to be home with my kids and now I am (on His timeline... not mine). And even though it's been tough for Sky, he is doing so good with his new job. I look at my kids and see what amazing humans they are growing into. I see the little blessings that are happening each day. Life is tough, life isn't ever easy, but life is so good. Embrace each season...for it is just that, a season. It too, will pass onto another. 

Step back and simplify

There are times in our lives that tend to throw us back...that challenge us to no end. It seems to be a repetitive thing. Life keeps throwing those curve balls and we can either try and learn how to swing to hit that ball out of the park or we can strike out and give up. It's up to us.

This last week was a bit rough. I was lacking sleep, having nightmares, so in turn I was having anxiety and started getting edgy. As the days went on, it seemed to be getting worse.  Everything else that followed just wore me out. This right here was a sign that I needed to do something. To slow down for a bit and simplify my time and my thoughts. Simplify the things that I did both at work and at home. Our daily schedules that still went on, still filled my time. But when I get like this, and feel all of this anxiety come on and start to get this ball that sits in my chest, I have had to learn what works best for me to help me get back to where I want to be mentally. I've tried many different things that could help when I get this way. Running was my best out let...but to be honest, nothing works better than for me than to take a step back. I have to simplify. Simplify my thoughts. My actions. My daily routines when it doesn't involve work or activities my kids are in. Everything inside of my head starts to fall into place when I start to simplify. I'm able to think and refect on the things and the people that are most important to me.

I've dealt with anxiety my entire life. Loosing Kynzie made that a million times worse. But before her, I had never really tried to deal with it except for breathing through it. Loosing her has forced me to learn how to deal with my emotions and my anxieties. To really learn how to get my mind where I want it to be when it starts to spiral down into this anxious pit. I've had to learn how to be happy when everything around me just kind of sucks for the moment. I am by far perfect, but I do try. I am not one to just let the bad things in life take over. Whether it's with in me or it's around me. I am one to fight through it and learn how to make it through...to find a way to make it work, to make things better.
                                           Here's why ⤵️

(This picture is a simple snap I sent Skyler yesterday on our way to moos soccer game...but it holds so much fun and imagination...especially from my boys ❤️)

These kids are my absolute everything. I want them to know that it's okay for things and feelings to not be okay. I want them to be able to fight for the happiness they want and be able to find it with in themselves. I want nothing but the best for my kids...I want nothing but the best for my husband. I want those I hold close to my heart to be able find their happiness when life just isn't the greatest. 

Today, my "simple' was to visit Kynzies grave with buggy before he went to school and before I went to work. It was exactly what I needed. And apparently buggy needed it as well. We both walked around and visited other gravesites for 30 minutes and we both left feeling peaceful and happy. 

Days are going to be hard...for everyone. Life isn't going to be easy or feel easy. I know that. I'm so far from perfect, but I've had to learn to just take it step by step, day by day, hour by hour if need be, to find out what works best for me to find my happiness with in myself. To find my own peace. 

And the gender is....

As the kids and I were sitting there in the ultra sound room, watching the ultra sound tech do her thing, everyone was on edge waiting to see what the baby was going to be...boy or girl.
As soon as she showed the little baby's bum, I knew, I could tell....it's a BOY!! Yep, a boy, we have another boy. Kylie was a little bummed but the more she has let it grow on her, the more excited she is getting that we have another little baby on the way that she can love on! Kyen KNEW it was a boy from the beginning. Him and my two youger ones are so very excited to have another brother! Kyell was the cutest... After the ultra sound, it set in for him that he was getting a baby brother and he started jumping and getting all excited with a big huge smile on his face and telling me that he is going to have a baby brother and telling me everything about having a baby brother and asking so many questions. His mind was going a million miles an hour. It was so sweet and so dang cute to see ❤️. So, my friends and family, we have got another little boy on his way. Next month we do the in depth ultra sound to see how he is growing and to see if everything is developing correctly.
About a month ago, I had made the decision that if this one was going to be a girl, I was for sure done having kids. There was no question about that. Now, I'm not sure. I had my mind so set on having a girl that I didn't think about much else. But that is definitely not a decision that needs to be made now. For now, I am happy that minus a few emotional and physical aches and pains, both the baby and I are healthy and strong so far and for now, I am focusing on the here and now...day by day.
Time to switch up seating arrangements in our car too haha. Older 3 in back and buggy and baby boy in front. It's getting tight, but we will make it work for now ❤️

Tough but worth it

Five days ago, we celebrated Kynzies 8th birthday. This one was particularly harder one than the recent past ones have. I have been an emotional mess most days, snapping at things I usually wouldn't, getting upset at the most rediculous things, crying over nearly everything that makes me even slightly sad. I blame this...

 👇 

 This pregnancy has been one of my difficult ones. Zero energy, tired all the time, not wanting to slow down, little positivity (I've had to work really hard on that one) and anxiety. Man, I know it's going to be worth it. I just don't appreciate how I feel. I tell my closest people that I might as well just go hide under a rock till I have this baby. I'm not as nice as I use to be before I got pregnant. I have zero filter so anyone near me knows how I feel. 

I know things will be okay, even if they are tough right now. 

She's my reason to keep moving forward and to keep believing that things will be okay. I remember this day like it was yesterday. So many memories and feelings come flooding back now and again. 

Summer break

We have a month left until school starts. These first 6 weeks have been anything but simple. Every summer my neices and nephews come over to spend some one on one time with their mom and get to spend some time with their cousins as well. We also have another neice and nephew that love to come over to hang out with their cousins too. So for about 6 weeks we have between 10-12 kids constantly in the house. It's insane and at times difficult. But despite the difficult times, a lot of fun memories have been made this summer. Those 6 weeks are up, things are going to begin to go back to normal (but we shall see... From my last post, change is the new normal, haha). Here's a few memories caught on camera that truly reveal these kids had a lot of fun 🙂