Anxiety 101

I just got off work, and I honestly don't know what I'm doing staying up when I know I'm getting up early tomorrow morning because bug went to sleep early tonight. And I've got to work, and then play with the kiddos for a few hours before my hubs gets home and we head to Vegas to go to the temple. It's going to be a long LONG day. I really should just get to bed and sleep...but I can't. So... I blog.

Blogging is good for my soul. It's like a release button really. Once my fingers hit the key board all these thoughts I've been thinking are being released and it makes my anxiety levels go way down (weird, I know, but it's true!). That's why I'm writing this post. Anxiety. This thing that I have lived with on and off most of my life. When ever anything super life changing would happen, anxiety would spike in me and I'd turn into a mess. But more recently over the last 5 years or so, I've really gotten to know this part of me. The part of myself that thinks uncontrollable thoughts about what might be or could be. The part of me that worries endlessly if my kids will be alright, or if we'll all have a safe day or if this, or what if that. And though I have gotten to know that part of me so well, I'm also learning to recognize when I'm starting to go down that spiraling path of emotional destruction and I'm learning what works for me in getting me to think strait and to be happy again.

Anxiety sucks bad. I hate it. Not all Anxiety is the same either. There's panic attacks (those make me feel like I was dying! Lungs wont contract right, chest is tight, heart pounding out of my chest, the room I'm in looks distant and scary, I feel like I just need to pass out. At least that only last for a short time, even though it feels like forever!). There's just plain frustration and worry all the time. Never happy. Always having negative thoughts (that's more on the side of depression... but trust me, anxiety invites depression to party with it. They have fun dancing to the beat of the broken hearted). Then there's the tightness in your chest, blood is pumping way faster than normal... all the time, heart palpates irregularly (but only when you feel like this), it's not quite a panic attack, but you wish it was because panic attacks dont last for days on end.
This...this thing called anxiety... this is what happens to me when I grieve with another mother on the passing of her child. Or I grieve because someone who has a place in my heart has passed on so suddenly, and there's really no rhyme or reason at that moment as to why.

Anxiety tends to bring down my confidence in myself too. I feel so spiritually weak when I get like this. I second guess everything, and I forget almost everything, and I get so tired too. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety this pass week and today I finally had my break down. I cried. And I NEVER EVER cry... like ever. I just can't. I joke that my tear maker got busted when Kynzie passed away. I get sad, and my heart breaks, but I just can't ever cry. Well, today I did.

This pass week I have been thinking a lot about this mom and family who had recently lost their boy in a four wheeler accident. It was so sudden and so heartbreaking. I texted and talked to one of my really good friends (who is really close to this family) a lot over this pass week to see how she was doing and to see how things were with everything that was going on. And maybe I should have left all of it alone and just let it be. But, I just couldn't. I cared so much about how that mom felt. I've been there. I've felt that emptiness. I felt like my tears were never going to end. I've done that. But ignoring it would have been completely selfish of me to do, just so I could spare my own feelings. I did think about how this might effect me. I've done this before when some one I knew had passed on so suddenly. But the thought never went farther than that I might just get sad. No, I got much more than just sad. I got anxiety, but I was able to recognize it before it got any worse. I now know what to do when I get like this (hence the being on at 1am, just so I can get my feelings out). Blogging is great, but running and spinning is SOOO much better for my brain. I need to make time to exercise again. Not for the physical health of me(although that'll benefit), but for the emotional health of me.

I believe that before we came to this earth, Heavenly Father gave us a rundown on how our life was going to be. I believe that we knew what we were getting ourselves into before we came to this earth. And in that, we also knew the eternal perspective that our earthly life had for us. Sometimes we wonder, "what in the world were we thinking! Agreeing on having these trials...it's so dang hard! How are we ever going to move on...how are we ever going to survive...".
But, right now, even though we have an eternal promise and we may have a tiny glimpse of  what's in store for us in the long run. We don't always see the whole picture. We don't have the eternal perspective laid out right before us. What we had before we came to this earth. We have the promise of it, but we can't see it yet. I think that if we were able to see it, we'd get through this life with ease and it'd be a breeze to go through what we have to go through. But how would be learn if life was that easy.

I'll probably have to live with anxiety my whole life, but I know that without my Heavenly Father, I wouldn't be able to live my life with this anxiety. He makes it possible to get through my day. He makes it possible to get through work because of some awesome people I work with. He makes it all possible. Every single little thing.

Focus Danielle, just focus.

Tonight, was the first walk I've been on in quite some time. I felt cranky and mean and so unfocused. So I got out with the kids and sarah and her dogs and we walked for 45 min. It's been so busy with work...lots of work, kids and chores, that exercising has been pushed to the back burner. No, actually, exercise has been pushed out the window and dropped from 10 stories high. Dead. It died in my life and I miss it. I really need to make it a part of my routine again. It helps me focus a little of what I have lost focus on. Tonight I focused on these things...

1. Babies. As much as I love babies, I am no where near ready to have another little Neil running around. Bug has serious jealousy. Kysen loves the babies so so SO much that it scares me he might just strangle the babies. And Kylie will want the baby by her side ALL THE TIME... all the time. Kyen is the only normal one, haha. All this learned by baby sitting my little 2 month old niece tonight. 
2. Patience. It's not necessarily with those around me. I need to have patience with myself. I get so upset with how i think sometimes. I try not to let things irritate me but when they do, I have a hard time letting it go. Especially if it's of importance to me. 
3. Exercise. It's good for me. Mind body and spirit. Plain and simple. 
4. Personal Scriptures and prayers. Needs to be a daily routine. And not just "let's quickly get these done so I can get on with my day" type thing. I find that when I really sit down, let my kids be for a bit, and focus on the spirit then my day is a million times better than when I just speed through or say I'll do it at night and then I never do because I end up falling asleep. 
5. Maybe I should just go hide for a day or two when I'm going to do my monthly thing. Ever since I had Kyell, and I've started again, my emotions have been all messed up during that time. And my periods are alll messed up. Like every 45-50 days or so, messed up. I never use to be like this. Everything use to be normal and it's not anymore. 

Usually I write how much of a blessing today has been even though it's been a crazy one. I'll keep it short and simple and say this. I was able to focus on a few things that have been jumbled around in my head for the past few days. Now let hope I can apply these things to my life. That can count for a blessing.