Learning, loving, and understanding.

Man, do the years fly by! It doesn't feel like I should be 30, but in all honesty, I'd rather be 30 vs 20. I am more confident in my body, my mind, my spirit. I'm happier. I've learned ALOT about... well, ALOT. I'm learning how to manage certain triggers to anxiety, how to manage anxiety itself. Lately I've been learning how to be healthy...this one is huge for me because I thought I always was eating healthy and treating my body with care. Boy, was I wrong. I wasn't exactly not healthy, but I wasn't doing the best for my body and was pretty much ignoring what was actually happening. In 2 years time, I had too many antibiotics for ear infections, sinus infections, and wisdom tooth infections (yes, it came back twice before I could schedule to get those suckers out!) and not having any good bacteria going into my gut (no yogurt, dairy, sauerkraut, no natural probiotics at all...had to cut all dairy out somewhere in between all of this) I had literally killed more good bacteria in my gut than I had realized (actually I didn't know I had killed anything in my gut at all...it never had crossed my mind). My ears would ring, my brain would be so foggy, my body ached all the time...I was basically poisoning my body with the foods that I ate the most of because my gut couldn't break it down and process those foods properly. The foods that I ate the most of were pastas, lots and lots of pasta, and sandwiches. I love my carbs...especially wheat carbs. You know...the Gluten kind. I had no idea that my body was having a hard time processing it. AND, sugar made me REALLY REALLY tired. Like my eyes just wanted to shut like 15 minutes after eating, lets say a banana, or an apple, or even a donut. It was all sugars, not just the refined sugars. My heart was also skipping beats (or double beating...I'm not exactly sure). I'd get dizzy. Sometimes it was so bad I had to bend over to catch my breath. So, I went to doctor appointment after doctor appointment. ENT said that my ears were swollen, but no infection...try a liquid diet and not talking so much (PSH! Yeah right!! And actually, I knew that something else was going on. It wasn't that simple. So, quit chewing gum for about a week and still nothing. So, I continued doing what I did). I went to my doctor and told him about everything and even told him what the ENT said. I told him about my heart and what it was doing. He said I was so young and healthy and had no history but just to be safe, he ordered a 24 hour heart monitor and also drew blood and tested for a number of things. After 24 hours, I handed it in and when I got the results of everything, it was all was normal. The only thing I was low on was vitamin B12. None of this made any sense to me. I think my family and friends started to think that I was going crazy and being a hypochondriac and maybe thought I wasn't getting enough sleep because honestly I really don't get enough sleep. I gave up. I didn't even want to feel like I did anymore. I started to pretend that my ears weren't ringing and that my body was just being super sensitive. I couldn't ignore what was happening to me though. Even though I gave up for a little bit and just toughed it out, I knew deep down it was something more. I eventually started to pay attention to what I ate. I googled some symptoms and intolerances and bacterias and found a lot of things. But the one thing that stuck out was Gluten intolerance. I thought that was stupid. I don't have an intolerance to gluten. I never had before... why start now?! But it popped up a few more times, so I did a little bit more research on that. I also found a few things on leaky gut syndrome and how probiotics helped heal that. I was talking to my mom one day and was telling her how much I hate how I feel. The doctors can't find anything wrong with me and I've cut dairy and sugar out and I still feel like crap. She told me that I should go see a nutritionist. She had said it a few times before that but I wasn't really listening to her I guess. Because when she said it that time, it was like a light switched on and I was like, "OK!" So I made an appointment with the nutritionist. We talked a lot about what has happened with my health in the past two years. He asked me if I had been on any antibiotics and of course I said yes. Quite a bit actually. I explained all of the little infections I had with my ears and my wisdom teeth. We talked a little bit more and after everything was said and done, he said he knew what was going on... he was almost 100 percent that this was it. I had killed almost all the good bacteria in my gut. The gut is the main source of our immune system and in order for it to function properly, there needs to be a good balance of good and bad bacteria.
He put me on Collagen Powder, NeoCell+, a Liquid vitamin, and a really good probiotic (10 strains of 100 billion). He also had me take grapefruit seed extract to kill the overgrowth of bad bacteria in my gut. He also said that the ringing in my ears was probably from the type of antibiotics and could have been increased more so because of some damage the antibiotics might have done with the toxins that my body was putting off from not being able to process what I ate correctly. I also have a ulcer of some sort from the throwing up that I had a few years ago from not being able to eat dairy, and with the way I was eating (New Deli manage=eating more fried foods at that time...not good at all!), it wasn't getting any better.
After being on all the things he put me on, and really changing how I was eating (all whole foods and no sugars...not even natural for a little bit), I noticed a difference in about 2 weeks. It was small, but it was noticeable. I've been "healing my gut" since October. It takes a while to heal this amazing organ in our body. But, I am so happy to say that I can eat (no sugar added) yogurt now! No throwing up or gassiness! So extremely happy!! I still watch my intake on dairy though. No milk, no cheese really expect maybe on an Arby's salad every now and again. I really do just feel better with out eating all that dairy. There's dairy and wheat in almost everything that is even slightly processed!! It's crazy! No Gluten yet, but I can now handle taking the sacrament with out feeling all icky after church ( HA! Sounds like an oxymoron!), I only eat small amounts of natural sugars now too.

There is so much that I have learned going through this experience. Things I never would have thought of otherwise. Things I want to apply to my everyday life and the life of my family.

The Word or Wisdom tell us, "everything in moderation"...EVERYTHING. We've been told this numerous amounts of times through out history. My main focus for my health and the health of my family, is to make sure that we are all eating our foods in moderation. It not good for our bodies to eat so much wheat or so much dairy or salt, or soy... and it's in everything that is processed. I can't even tell you how many labels that I have looked at and said, "Ah man... I can't even eat that!" We even need to be careful with how much antibiotics we take in too. From my nutritionist... who is also an MD said that there are other natural products that kill off bacteria and is so much better for the body than antibiotics. I'm not talking about oils necessarily. Although those can provide some reliefe, that's not the 'natural' I'm talking about. I know how important antibiotics are and I'm not saying that we shouldn't take them. But, if my child has signs of strep, or a really bad ear ache, or a influenza, or a nasty little cough that wont go away, I'm going to try to go the more natural rout before jumping to an antibiotic. I will give them a more natural relief and let their body try to fight off a little bug, help boost their immune system, do everything at home that I can before I go a kill all the bad and the good germs that they have in them.

I have learned that feeding our bodies and the way we do it is so important. I've learned more nutritious facts about so many whole foods in these 3 months than I have my whole life. I am learning about feeding my body to give it nutrients vs just to eat because it's meal time or I'm stressed out (just because I am learning doesn't mean I still don't just eat for fun or stress...I'm learning :)). I'm learning how important it is to take care of my body and my mind. I am learning how important it is to get enough sleep (as I'm typing this up at 11pm! Here's to another 5 hour sleep night...). I'm learning, and that's just it. I'm not pro, in fact, I'm far from it. But I am learning and I am so excited to be learning... trying to treat my body and my mind the way that it should be treated. Here's to loving myself, no matter what the scale says ;). I'm listening to what my body says.

If it's not emotionally trying...it's physically.

I think I knew the entire time. My cycle came 3 days early at the end of October and it went on for about 2 1/2 weeks. I knew at that point something wasn't right. my cycles have been off in the past...but not like this. I felt like I might be having a miscarriage. I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative. I thought that maybe it was just a super early miscarriage and that my body was doing it's job. I was okay with it. I spotted through out the entire month of November and then it was time for mother nature to make her appearance again...this time it came 4 days early and went on for a little over a week. I then took another pregnancy test and it still came out negative. I thought well, maybe I am pregnant my hormone levels are just off and I was just having some weird bleeding. It happens. So, I let it go and just kept going through out my days. December 5th, it was almost 5am...still in bed, trying to wake up. I remember Skyler turning over, wrapping his arm around me and putting his hand on my belly. As I laid there, I thought about the past few months, feeling like I was pregnant, questioning if I was having a miscarriage, hoping that everything was going to be okay. I got up. Took a test. POSITIVE. It came out so clear and became positive so fast. I went in to show Skyler and he smiles at me and told me that he knew that I was. He could feel it. We were so thrilled! Yet, I so nervous. I thought about the past few months and felt like something might be off. I couldn't get that feeling to go away either. A week later I went in to the OB and had an ultra sound. That day was just as crazy as it gets. Kids had to go pee I swear it was every 15 minutes. My patience was not all there, and I honestly couldn't concentrate on what I needed to get while I was in St. George. Needless to say, I am so happy that I had Sarah go with me that day. Kylie and Kysen had yearly checkups that I couldn't get switched around and had already rescheduled 3 other times. She took Bug and them to the checkups while Kyen stayed with me at my appointment. While with the ultra sound tech in the ultra sound room, the findings were exactly what I thought. There it was in plain sight. She told me that I could either be A. Too early to hear or see anything, or B. Be having a miscarriage. I knew the answer already. She didn't have to explain anything else. She said let's wait a week, see if the sack grows. That night I received a blessing and it gave me so much peace, not just about the pregnancy/miscarriage but about my job, my family, and juggling them all. One week later, I went back and what looked like could be a viable pregnancy last week, was just a big mess this week. My body was starting to break everything down in my uterus. I had some bleeding here and there but nothing to bad at this point. My Dr. said that with the progress between last week and this week, my body was most likely going to finish miscarrying in a week or two. He said that it would be okay to wait, or I could take the pill to complete the miscarriage earlier. He advised to wait on having a D&C because that's usually the last option. I thought a lot about what I should do, and I felt like waiting would be okay. I also felt like taking the pill would not. Over the next few weeks, I kept in contact with the Dr. and had appointments. My body still wasn't doing what it was suppose to do and so he really encouraged me to take the pill if I wanted it to move along quicker. I kept the feeling that I really shouldn't take the pill. So, I didn't. Through these past few months, I never really a rollercoaster of emotions. I kept getting the feeling that whatever happens will be okay and that everything will work out the way it is suppose to. I knew that feeling was more than just that. I trusted my Father in Heaven and let him take the reins in this trial. There was nothing I could do about it. I just had to keep going through out my days, doing what I do.
Christmas Eve, I had made the decision that I was going to get a D&C. Nothing much had happened or progressed. I had one really heavy bleed one day after I had worked a lot of hours. I had some cramping now and again that made me catch my breath, but did nothing much. I knew I just wanted to get it all taken care of in one shot. I called the Drs. once the office had re opened from Christmas and had made an appointment for the D&C. Doing this felt really good. I knew this is what was suppose to happen with this miscarriage. Through out the next two weeks, nerves had set in and I became a nervous wreck. I tried to not show how nervous I was, but on the inside, I was a big mess. I hate going under sedation. It scared the crap out of me. These nerves took my mind to a place where everything I thought, I ended up overthinking about.
January 9th came...it was so early! We stayed at my mom and dads house the night before so we wouldn't have to wake the kids up and leave even earlier.
Skyler and I got to the hospital and checked in. Once I got to the back and got my lovely gown on, I was miss 'chatty Cathy'...those poor nurses and that poor poor anesthesiologist... My husband has never seen me talk so much about random things that don't matter at all. The anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to calm my nerves. I said heck yes!! It didn't help though. He rolled me back to the O.R. and I once they put the mask on, I was out! They were probably so happy that I was because I wouldn't shut up. I rememeber once the doors to the O.R. opened, I said, "Do I really have to see this room?? I'm so nervous!" Everyone in there just laughed and said that they'd take care of me.
It's been 3 days since I had the D&C done. I didn't know how much it would drain me! I didn't expect to not have any energy. That I would get light headed so easily. That I would be so tired...so dang tired. After calling my OB and asking if this was all normal... I guess that having a D&C is considered major surgery, even though they aren't cutting you open, they are scrapping you out and that really takes a toile on the body. The nurses in the hospital told me that I would be able to return to work the next day, if not then in two days. I guess if you sit a desk and answer the phone all day or do paperwork, then yeah, you could return to work. But, if you have a job like mine where I get close to 20,000 steps on just a normal day, lift boxes that are 20-40lbs, multi task to the extreme, and so much more... going back to work 2 days later is not a good idea. Yesterday, I was thankful to have my assistant right by my side the whole time. He was my muscle and I did the little things. Even that wore me out though. Today just plain sucked! I woke up feeling so drained and achy. I went to work anyways and ended up having to go home because my body just couldn't take it. I kept having to catch my breath and my body just felt like collapsing. I took a much needed nap when I got home and when I woke up, I felt a little better.
This miscarriage didn't take a lot out of me emotionally, I felt at peace with it. But it has taken so much out of me physically. I've had to learn (yes LEARN) to slow down, to rely on those around me, and take care of myself. I feel so useless right now. I am use to doing a lot, it's hard for me not to. Ask my husband...I have the hardest time just sitting down and doing nothing for even 5 minutes. I get antsy and feel like something needs to be done. It's terrible!
I still have a little ways to go until my body is healed. I guess I have quite a bit to learn about taking it easy every now and again too. And taking care of my body... not just how I feed it, but how I should let it rest as well. I usually only get 4-6 hours of sleep a night, but for the past 3 days, I've gotten more sleep than I have gotten since before I had Kyen 10 years ago. I always say, everything happens for a reason. I've learned that there's blessings that come from every situation and a lesson or two to learn. I know that this too shall pass and that Skyler and I will have another baby sooner or later. For now, I'm focusing on taking care of myself and to learn to take it easy every now and again, even after my body is healed. Life is good...so very good.

Days, like today

Today started out just like any other normal day except, it was the first day back to school from Christmas break. We were all on a late schedule and it was hard for my kids to fall asleep last night. I knew waking them up would not be the easiest. My alarm went off at 5:30am, and I finally rolled out of bed by 6am. I only had 30 minutes till I start waking up the kids. I had two choices, Relax, take a shower, and get my self ready or start my day off right with prayer, scriptures, and writing in my journal. After that, I had about 10 minutes till I started waking the kids up. The night before I had talked to my dad about something that he had read in his patriarchal blessing. That particular sentence that we talked about was just so neat to talk about. With out being too personal, and respecting his personal sacredness to his patriarchal blessing, we talked about a particular struggle that he had gone though and how he had over come that struggle. We also talked about what it says in his patriarchal blessing about this particular struggle. It's funny how certain things in our patriarchal blessings stick out at different times in our lives. I haven't read mine in a few months, and thinking about the conversation we had last night, gave me a little push to read my own. Sometimes I get nervous reading mine just because I over think and analyse everything. So, before I read my patriarchal blessing this morning, I decided to say a pray. I prayed for calmness while I read, I prayed that I would read with an open mind, I prayed that anything my father wants me to know, that I'd be in tune and be able to listen with my heart. Reading my blessing this morning set the mood in the house for the entire day. Which in turn set my mood as well. Today was (as I told Skyler when he got home) hands down, the best day in a long time. Reading my blessing was a really good choice to make. Today was more than that though, it was just so fun to have a day off to spend time with my buggy,  to take the kids to school, to really clean the inside and outside of the traverse (TRUST ME...it was BAD, and now it looks SOOO GOOD), get laundry caught up, clean and organize the basement from 2 weeks of Christmas break and having 11 kids here almost the entire 2 weeks. I got some baby boy clothes out for an almost to be mom and it was so fun to go through those clothes. I forget how little my babies use to be! I miss it sometimes. Today was very peaceful. Today was very inspirational. Today was much needed.

2016 has been a year to rememeber

As looked at facebook, trying to wake up for inventory this very early morning, I didn't read a lot of new years resolutions, but instead read more about how 2016 has been and the hopes that 2017 will be that much better.
As I reflect back on this whole year, i look at so many things that have happened with our lives. We've been through so much this past year and its been quite the roller coaster. The ups and downs and all of the in betweens. This year, I have learned nore than anything else, that no matter how we plan for our lives to go, God always has a far more superior plan for us. But I have also learned that if we listen to our the guiding spirit, the great gift that our Heavenly Father has given us, then we will always go in the direction that He wants us to go, no matter how hard our trials may be. I haven't told a whole lot of people this, and I'm not saying this to have any kind of sympathy. I'm saying this because I have learned a lot from this particular trial. About two months ago, I started my cycle 3 days early, and it went on for almost two weeks. After a lot of thought, I summed it up to an early miscariage. After the two weeks, I stopped bleeding. Then the next month came two weeks earlier and I started my cycle again, 3 days early and this time it was heavier and went on for about the same time. So I made an appointments with my OB. I went in and had an ultra sound and sure enough I had been preganat. The ultra sound tech said that there was no fetus in there but looks like there may have been two sacks. She said that my body has already started to break down what was in there so my dr said that my best option would be to let my body finish what it was doing, I could take the pill to make it to faster, and if nothing happens then to schedule a D&C. Well, I chose to wait, and thought a lot and prayed about the pill and the D&C. Fast forward to now...So many emotions that I didn't expect has come from this miscarriage. I was 5 weeks along, but I honestly didn't feel hardly any sadness coming from it because I knew that it just wasn't time yet and that when I was time, it would surely come. Instead I have felt frustraions because my body just wasn't doing what it was suppose to do. I have felt my hormones be off so much that I either snap at people, or just get annoyed very easily. And I had no energy for my kids when I'd get home from work because even though I'm not actually pregnant, this miscarriage is making me super tired. Which frustrated me even more. With all of this happening, work had been super busy these past two weeks and I was excited about it and fully expected it. I love when work is busy! What I didnt expect though was to feel completely drained, both physically and mentally. Ringing in the new years all hyped up and happy wasn't exactly what I did. All I wanted to do was sleep but knew I couldn't because of inventory that happens in about 10 minutes.
What I have learned from all of this, hit me hard today. I need to trust in the Lord and our Father's great plan. It's greater than any of us can ever imagine. I love my husband and my kids more than they know. There really has been so many great things that have happened this past year. I wouldnt change any of it. Nothing. 2017 is another year to do bigger and better things. So, here's to a new year, with new beginnings.