Impossible struggles with a thankful heart

I have two rainbow babies. Kysen and Kyleb (aka George). Truth is, that first year is the hardest for me. Not like 'I just ran 10 miles' hard. No, that's tough but not impossible. But like 'I'm stuck in the whirlwind of a tornado and can barely breath and keep my feet on the ground' hard. It feels almost impossible to feel my normal self. Most days I think I'm dealing with these emotions well, and then it hits me and all of those emotions come rushing back. Like today. Which makes me think, maybe...just maybe, I'm not really dealing with my emotions like I should. Maybe I'm just setting them aside and not letting them go. So, possibly I need to dig deeper... I need to take a different approach to deal with how I feel. I need to really feel these emotions and then let them go as they come.
There's been 5 pregnancies and 3 live births since I lost Kynzie. Do I feel like I have dealt and am still dealing well with her death well? Yes, I do. I feel like I'm at peace with it all. I have learned techniques and have learned to cope...and with time it's gotten a little easier. The part that I'm struggling with is with what I have now. A baby. A beautiful extremely happy baby. The what ifs. The whys.
Its been 5 years since I last had a baby, Kyell. Then 2 years prior to that when I had Kysen. I remember feeling this way with those two as well. How I got through it?? I am not sure. I guess I just did. I prayed, a lot and hard. I struggled. I exercised. I didn't sleep well at all. I woke up in a panic more often than not. But I got through both boys.

George is 3 months old now. Life for me has taken a different roll. The dynamics have changed quite a bit. I'm a stay at home mom and wife with a baby. I'm trying to find a new normal again and although I'm home and not consumed with another full time job...I feel so much busier than I did when I was working. I'm not myself lately. I have triggers that throw me way off course and I shut down. I'm trying to find balance with in myself and whether its partial baby blues or just plain anxiety, this has been one of the hardest thing to do.


But just like with everything, I've learned that there is always something to be thankful for. Even when...ESPECIALLY when, its hard to feel grounded.
I am so thankful for amazing friends. Life is just chaotic but making time to see and talk to good friends is vital to our happiness, both temporally and eternally.
I am so thankful for this little guy⇩. For how happy he is. I honestly don't know how we got so blessed with such a bright light!! Like how he just sat here, in my lap, while I wrote this. He is so easy going.

I am so thankful for my husband and for how hard he is working. I love him...every crazy, amazing part of him!

My family... We've got a few pre-teens around here, but just as much as they sass...they love and care just as hard and that makes my heart just burst.

When my brain just cant shut down

What do you meme? 

Quite fitting if I do say so

Today was another busy day. Vegas for vehicle repair and Mesquite for softball. We all just got home maybe an hour ago and I can't sleep. George has been asleep for a few hours and I can't get my brain to be okay with going to sleep. I love to write. I love to blog. So here I am. I'm just rambling. Hopefully I make sense. Continue if you dare.

I have many aspects of my life that are important to me. God is #1. Family #2. Friends #3. Health and fitness (both mental and physical) #4. They all come with in very close range of each other because I am passionate about all 4 of those very much. Now, normally what I talk about on my blog are the spiritual side of things, my family, and friends (occasionally). I have barelly touched the subject of health and fitness though. As I am learning more and more about my own body -what it actaully needs, what it really wants, and finding a balance in between those two- I'm intrigued. The mental power it takes to not fall back into bad habits is a tough one though.

This last pregnancy was very different for me in many ways. I only gained 15lbs. Which for me is little compaired to all of my other pregnancies of which I gained close to 35lbs. I wasn't over weight when I got pregnant with George. I started of healthy and fairly fit too. I was going to the gym a few times a week and running 3-5 miles every other day. I ate healthy. Very little refined sugars, very little dairy, and no wheat (all because of gut issues I had a few years prior, so I just kept it up). I was very emotional this time around and extremely exausted most of my pregnancy. I worked a full time job and was manager partially through. As much as I loved being pregnant, this one was one of my hardest ones...for me. 

Fast forward to now. It's been 3 months since I had my little George and He couldn't be a more happier baby!! He brings such a light into our house and to anyone whos around him really. And he is so very loved!

I had lost almost all of my baby weight in the first 3 weeks of having him! I was so excited! I didn't feel as tired as I was when I was pregnant and I felt great! 

About 6 weeks into having him, the tiredness set in and I was loosing energy and the baby blues were hitting me more than they were the first few weeks. I wasn't (and still am not) sleeping through out the whole night. Usually because George wont let me... but when he does sleep a long time, I can't sleep. I can't because of fears that I'm working on letting go. It's a tough one to overcome every baby I've had after loosing Kynzie. I don't actually over come it. My babies just get bigger and I just deal with it for a year or so. I'm aiming for that balance of sleep though. I desperately need more solid sleep with out the fear of George not waking up. I'm trying to eat healthy and not over eat but everytime I would back off, my milk supply would go down. And guess what?? I eat when I'm tired and can't go to sleep (except for now...I'm writting). It's very frustrating becuase I went from being 5lbs away from my pre pregancy weight (even though I know I have more fat now that I had before I got pregnant...and less muscle now than before) to being 10lbs away from my pre pregnancy weight. Eating keeps me awake and then if I keep it up, it becomes a habit that is hard to break for me. Food is one of my greatest strengths in my mental health...but can also be one of my biggest weaknesses too.

My goals to find energy, confidence, and mental stability again:

-Get going on Macros again. Plan snacks for when I am tired and can't nap.

-Find time to do some meditation every morning. Seriously, clearing all thoughts can be so cleansing!

-Workout routine...also very good for my thoughts...and my sleeping habits.

-Find social time with friends. I become so consumed in the daily grind. I need a little adault human      interaction. That is the one thing I miss about working. I didn't even have to try to be social. It just      happened haha. 

-Take a nap a few times a week! Even if it's just 20 minutes. I'm not in my 20s anymore and I have        my own little army now that take a lot from me. ALOT!

I will find my balance again. I will eventually get more sleep. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Having babies is never easy. But oh my gosh are they so very worth every emotional rollercoaster we ever go on. 

My rambling is over for now and has made me tired enough to sleep....and probably who ever reads this as well haha. 

Good night.

Coming back from vacation

Life never seems to slow down. Life has been adventurous and it continues to stay that way. I really wouldn't have it any other way though 😁

Here's what's been going on since we got back from northern utah last week.

We got home Sunday night, unpacked the vehicles and went to bed. Driving home was exhausting...and very very long. We couldn't wait to get home.

Monday was cleaning and unpacking until the kids came home then dance practice and softball practice. I actually didn't get a lot done Monday because George was off schedule and just wanted me all day. So I did my best to balance the need of my two boys at home and cleaning.

Early Tuesday morning we packed snacks and got the baseball/softball stuff ready for the crazy afternoon we had. We spent the morning in St. George for Kyens orthodontist appointment then drove back real quick just in time for the book fair (we LOVE books in our family!!) The kids had to have their books picked out already because we had about 15 minutes to get Kysen to his practice then Kylie to her game right after that. We didn't set foot in the house till almost 8 that night and all were pretty exhausted. 

Wednesday the little boys and I heshea to Vegas to stock up on our freezer, do some other shopping, and hang out in Vegas until sky got off work. We were heading to his office and we're stopped at a stop light. All of the sudden I hear tires squeal and then BAM! We got hit! George started crying bug asking what the heck was that! And I'm wondering and hoping my kids are okay. In that split second I listened... I listened to everything that just happened. My boys... How George was crying, Kyells sound of shock...
We pulled over and the two cars behind me who were involved pulled over too. Minus a few cuts and bruises, everyone was fine. My vehicle needs a new back fender and is fine but the vehicles behind me...they got banged up. Sky met us there. Cops, insurance, info...we left an hour and a half later. Once we got home it was pretty late but we unloaded our food and put the cold stuff away then went to bed. 

Thursday I woke up to discover the freezer had been open to what had seem to be all night 😰...I had to throw almost everything away. All I could do was take a deep breath and continue cleaning up from our vacation (the way this week had gone already is exactly why I make sure the house is clean before we leave on vacations!!! Always!! And it was thank the heavens!).
Skyler started his week of on call and is doing good.
Kylie and I have wanted to get our hair cut for a while. She just wanted a trim but I wanted something different. Still not sure when I sat in the chair I just said cut it so it looks good for my round face. That's what he did and I absolutely love it. He took about 8 inches off. Two of which were probably dead ends 😣. Feels so good to have chopped it off!

Friday the little boys and I ran errands and finished putting stuff away from out vacation. That took up most of our day. Then we had the may day dances that night.

Early this morning Kyen went to the lake with my parents and is spending the weekend with Koda. The rest of us started early baseball games and didn't get done till 12:30pm. We came home I fed George then the kids and I headed to the rez for a few hours. George felt the sandy water for the first time and wasn't really sure what to think lol. But he enjoyed it. We all got some sun and had quite a bit of fun. Made dinner and now we are going to chill by a camp fire and play 'What the Meme' (this one's good...especially in this family 🤣). 

George has been amazing through all of this and that makes things so much less stressful for all. 
Ending this week on a good note 😊.