Impossible struggles with a thankful heart

I have two rainbow babies. Kysen and Kyleb (aka George). Truth is, that first year is the hardest for me. Not like 'I just ran 10 miles' hard. No, that's tough but not impossible. But like 'I'm stuck in the whirlwind of a tornado and can barely breath and keep my feet on the ground' hard. It feels almost impossible to feel my normal self. Most days I think I'm dealing with these emotions well, and then it hits me and all of those emotions come rushing back. Like today. Which makes me think, maybe...just maybe, I'm not really dealing with my emotions like I should. Maybe I'm just setting them aside and not letting them go. So, possibly I need to dig deeper... I need to take a different approach to deal with how I feel. I need to really feel these emotions and then let them go as they come.
There's been 5 pregnancies and 3 live births since I lost Kynzie. Do I feel like I have dealt and am still dealing well with her death well? Yes, I do. I feel like I'm at peace with it all. I have learned techniques and have learned to cope...and with time it's gotten a little easier. The part that I'm struggling with is with what I have now. A baby. A beautiful extremely happy baby. The what ifs. The whys.
Its been 5 years since I last had a baby, Kyell. Then 2 years prior to that when I had Kysen. I remember feeling this way with those two as well. How I got through it?? I am not sure. I guess I just did. I prayed, a lot and hard. I struggled. I exercised. I didn't sleep well at all. I woke up in a panic more often than not. But I got through both boys.

George is 3 months old now. Life for me has taken a different roll. The dynamics have changed quite a bit. I'm a stay at home mom and wife with a baby. I'm trying to find a new normal again and although I'm home and not consumed with another full time job...I feel so much busier than I did when I was working. I'm not myself lately. I have triggers that throw me way off course and I shut down. I'm trying to find balance with in myself and whether its partial baby blues or just plain anxiety, this has been one of the hardest thing to do.


But just like with everything, I've learned that there is always something to be thankful for. Even when...ESPECIALLY when, its hard to feel grounded.
I am so thankful for amazing friends. Life is just chaotic but making time to see and talk to good friends is vital to our happiness, both temporally and eternally.
I am so thankful for this little guy⇩. For how happy he is. I honestly don't know how we got so blessed with such a bright light!! Like how he just sat here, in my lap, while I wrote this. He is so easy going.

I am so thankful for my husband and for how hard he is working. I love him...every crazy, amazing part of him!

My family... We've got a few pre-teens around here, but just as much as they sass...they love and care just as hard and that makes my heart just burst.