The making of kynzie's birthday video

Day 1: As I go though this, making of kynzies video, I'm trying to portray all of my feelings and emotions I am feeling. I think this year will be one of the more tender ones...
Days before her birth, our camera broke. We didn't buy another one. That is my ONLY regret. As I sit here gathering pictures to make a birthday video of Kynzie, most of which are on facebook, many emotions surface and I am taken back to those moments that were thankfully captured. I am sitting here, with tears filling my eyes, remembering how I felt back then. How excited I got. Looking back, everything seem to happen so quickly.
Day 2: I found music to go to her video. My heart is a little tender as I get these pictures placed in order. Life right now is standing still...just for a brief moment.
I have now tried to put this video together twice now...Both times the computer has been turned off by one thing or another. Both of which happened by fluke. still...so frustrating. I had to walk away this last time because i was almost done. i'm going to use my adobe program now. the one i was using was different but i liked it. it just didnt auto save. 3rd times the charm, right?? sigh...

Day 3: Okay, here we are. Third time around and it's the charm! The Video is done! I have two videos, both with defferent background music. The Facebook video has a song that we hold dear to us. It was a song that was intrduced to us shortly after she passed away. The one for our youtube channel is a copywrite free music piece so I could post it on there as well. But I actually like how the music flows better on the youtube video vs the fb video. I could have gone back and fixed it, but I was done and tired!
I decided to try a more complex video editor for this (of which I am so happy I did. I was so nervous to try something I had no clue how to even navegate). I knew nothing about this software. I had to test and try on a lot of things but with in the last three days, (probably 6/7 hours total), I think I know the software pretty well. There's a lot of areas where I know I could have done better and changed it a little but time was running out & my patience was getting thin (because me having a time crunch don't do well at all!).

I hope who ever watches the video(s) feels the emotions, that it is enjoyed and you can feel even a sliver of the peace we get to feel from time to time. It's truly a blessing.

Impossible struggles with a thankful heart

I have two rainbow babies. Kysen and Kyleb (aka George). Truth is, that first year is the hardest for me. Not like 'I just ran 10 miles' hard. No, that's tough but not impossible. But like 'I'm stuck in the whirlwind of a tornado and can barely breath and keep my feet on the ground' hard. It feels almost impossible to feel my normal self. Most days I think I'm dealing with these emotions well, and then it hits me and all of those emotions come rushing back. Like today. Which makes me think, maybe...just maybe, I'm not really dealing with my emotions like I should. Maybe I'm just setting them aside and not letting them go. So, possibly I need to dig deeper... I need to take a different approach to deal with how I feel. I need to really feel these emotions and then let them go as they come.
There's been 5 pregnancies and 3 live births since I lost Kynzie. Do I feel like I have dealt and am still dealing well with her death well? Yes, I do. I feel like I'm at peace with it all. I have learned techniques and have learned to cope...and with time it's gotten a little easier. The part that I'm struggling with is with what I have now. A baby. A beautiful extremely happy baby. The what ifs. The whys.
Its been 5 years since I last had a baby, Kyell. Then 2 years prior to that when I had Kysen. I remember feeling this way with those two as well. How I got through it?? I am not sure. I guess I just did. I prayed, a lot and hard. I struggled. I exercised. I didn't sleep well at all. I woke up in a panic more often than not. But I got through both boys.

George is 3 months old now. Life for me has taken a different roll. The dynamics have changed quite a bit. I'm a stay at home mom and wife with a baby. I'm trying to find a new normal again and although I'm home and not consumed with another full time job...I feel so much busier than I did when I was working. I'm not myself lately. I have triggers that throw me way off course and I shut down. I'm trying to find balance with in myself and whether its partial baby blues or just plain anxiety, this has been one of the hardest thing to do.


But just like with everything, I've learned that there is always something to be thankful for. Even when...ESPECIALLY when, its hard to feel grounded.
I am so thankful for amazing friends. Life is just chaotic but making time to see and talk to good friends is vital to our happiness, both temporally and eternally.
I am so thankful for this little guy⇩. For how happy he is. I honestly don't know how we got so blessed with such a bright light!! Like how he just sat here, in my lap, while I wrote this. He is so easy going.

I am so thankful for my husband and for how hard he is working. I love him...every crazy, amazing part of him!

My family... We've got a few pre-teens around here, but just as much as they sass...they love and care just as hard and that makes my heart just burst.

When my brain just cant shut down

What do you meme? 

Quite fitting if I do say so

Today was another busy day. Vegas for vehicle repair and Mesquite for softball. We all just got home maybe an hour ago and I can't sleep. George has been asleep for a few hours and I can't get my brain to be okay with going to sleep. I love to write. I love to blog. So here I am. I'm just rambling. Hopefully I make sense. Continue if you dare.

I have many aspects of my life that are important to me. God is #1. Family #2. Friends #3. Health and fitness (both mental and physical) #4. They all come with in very close range of each other because I am passionate about all 4 of those very much. Now, normally what I talk about on my blog are the spiritual side of things, my family, and friends (occasionally). I have barelly touched the subject of health and fitness though. As I am learning more and more about my own body -what it actaully needs, what it really wants, and finding a balance in between those two- I'm intrigued. The mental power it takes to not fall back into bad habits is a tough one though.

This last pregnancy was very different for me in many ways. I only gained 15lbs. Which for me is little compaired to all of my other pregnancies of which I gained close to 35lbs. I wasn't over weight when I got pregnant with George. I started of healthy and fairly fit too. I was going to the gym a few times a week and running 3-5 miles every other day. I ate healthy. Very little refined sugars, very little dairy, and no wheat (all because of gut issues I had a few years prior, so I just kept it up). I was very emotional this time around and extremely exausted most of my pregnancy. I worked a full time job and was manager partially through. As much as I loved being pregnant, this one was one of my hardest ones...for me. 

Fast forward to now. It's been 3 months since I had my little George and He couldn't be a more happier baby!! He brings such a light into our house and to anyone whos around him really. And he is so very loved!

I had lost almost all of my baby weight in the first 3 weeks of having him! I was so excited! I didn't feel as tired as I was when I was pregnant and I felt great! 

About 6 weeks into having him, the tiredness set in and I was loosing energy and the baby blues were hitting me more than they were the first few weeks. I wasn't (and still am not) sleeping through out the whole night. Usually because George wont let me... but when he does sleep a long time, I can't sleep. I can't because of fears that I'm working on letting go. It's a tough one to overcome every baby I've had after loosing Kynzie. I don't actually over come it. My babies just get bigger and I just deal with it for a year or so. I'm aiming for that balance of sleep though. I desperately need more solid sleep with out the fear of George not waking up. I'm trying to eat healthy and not over eat but everytime I would back off, my milk supply would go down. And guess what?? I eat when I'm tired and can't go to sleep (except for now...I'm writting). It's very frustrating becuase I went from being 5lbs away from my pre pregancy weight (even though I know I have more fat now that I had before I got pregnant...and less muscle now than before) to being 10lbs away from my pre pregnancy weight. Eating keeps me awake and then if I keep it up, it becomes a habit that is hard to break for me. Food is one of my greatest strengths in my mental health...but can also be one of my biggest weaknesses too.

My goals to find energy, confidence, and mental stability again:

-Get going on Macros again. Plan snacks for when I am tired and can't nap.

-Find time to do some meditation every morning. Seriously, clearing all thoughts can be so cleansing!

-Workout routine...also very good for my thoughts...and my sleeping habits.

-Find social time with friends. I become so consumed in the daily grind. I need a little adault human      interaction. That is the one thing I miss about working. I didn't even have to try to be social. It just      happened haha. 

-Take a nap a few times a week! Even if it's just 20 minutes. I'm not in my 20s anymore and I have        my own little army now that take a lot from me. ALOT!

I will find my balance again. I will eventually get more sleep. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Having babies is never easy. But oh my gosh are they so very worth every emotional rollercoaster we ever go on. 

My rambling is over for now and has made me tired enough to sleep....and probably who ever reads this as well haha. 

Good night.

Coming back from vacation

Life never seems to slow down. Life has been adventurous and it continues to stay that way. I really wouldn't have it any other way though 😁

Here's what's been going on since we got back from northern utah last week.

We got home Sunday night, unpacked the vehicles and went to bed. Driving home was exhausting...and very very long. We couldn't wait to get home.

Monday was cleaning and unpacking until the kids came home then dance practice and softball practice. I actually didn't get a lot done Monday because George was off schedule and just wanted me all day. So I did my best to balance the need of my two boys at home and cleaning.

Early Tuesday morning we packed snacks and got the baseball/softball stuff ready for the crazy afternoon we had. We spent the morning in St. George for Kyens orthodontist appointment then drove back real quick just in time for the book fair (we LOVE books in our family!!) The kids had to have their books picked out already because we had about 15 minutes to get Kysen to his practice then Kylie to her game right after that. We didn't set foot in the house till almost 8 that night and all were pretty exhausted. 

Wednesday the little boys and I heshea to Vegas to stock up on our freezer, do some other shopping, and hang out in Vegas until sky got off work. We were heading to his office and we're stopped at a stop light. All of the sudden I hear tires squeal and then BAM! We got hit! George started crying bug asking what the heck was that! And I'm wondering and hoping my kids are okay. In that split second I listened... I listened to everything that just happened. My boys... How George was crying, Kyells sound of shock...
We pulled over and the two cars behind me who were involved pulled over too. Minus a few cuts and bruises, everyone was fine. My vehicle needs a new back fender and is fine but the vehicles behind me...they got banged up. Sky met us there. Cops, insurance, info...we left an hour and a half later. Once we got home it was pretty late but we unloaded our food and put the cold stuff away then went to bed. 

Thursday I woke up to discover the freezer had been open to what had seem to be all night 😰...I had to throw almost everything away. All I could do was take a deep breath and continue cleaning up from our vacation (the way this week had gone already is exactly why I make sure the house is clean before we leave on vacations!!! Always!! And it was thank the heavens!).
Skyler started his week of on call and is doing good.
Kylie and I have wanted to get our hair cut for a while. She just wanted a trim but I wanted something different. Still not sure when I sat in the chair I just said cut it so it looks good for my round face. That's what he did and I absolutely love it. He took about 8 inches off. Two of which were probably dead ends 😣. Feels so good to have chopped it off!

Friday the little boys and I ran errands and finished putting stuff away from out vacation. That took up most of our day. Then we had the may day dances that night.

Early this morning Kyen went to the lake with my parents and is spending the weekend with Koda. The rest of us started early baseball games and didn't get done till 12:30pm. We came home I fed George then the kids and I headed to the rez for a few hours. George felt the sandy water for the first time and wasn't really sure what to think lol. But he enjoyed it. We all got some sun and had quite a bit of fun. Made dinner and now we are going to chill by a camp fire and play 'What the Meme' (this one's good...especially in this family 🤣). 

George has been amazing through all of this and that makes things so much less stressful for all. 
Ending this week on a good note 😊.

Trying to keep positive

Well, he's here...Kyleb George is here and we all couldn't be any happier. We are all soaking all of his loves and snuggles up and are making such sweet memories.
I have been pretty good. Healing quickly, and getting my energy back (yay!!). But I won't lie, as much as I want to believe that everything is going to be okay with him, my anxiety gets the best of me and my mind wonders off into the dark "what ifs".
I've done this with both Kysen and Kyell and got hardly any sleep for that first year of their lives. I know that there are things in life that I have absolutely zero control over. And though I know that it was Kynzie's time to go and so many blessings have come from her presence in our lives. There's been so much light and tender mercies as well. Theres the dark side of losing her that tends to creep up on me as well, usually when I have a new baby. I'm just so unsure of what may come and focusing on the negative side becomes so easy, almost automatic. Focusing on the positive side gets to be more difficult and I start to lose my focus.
When things seem so good and we are happy, I brace myself for the very worst... like my mind goes into this flight or fight mode and I start to worry... "What can I do to prevent this or that" constantly runs through my mind. Because just like any storm that doesn't stay for very long, neither does any sunny weather. I know that I over think a lot. I know that a lot of these dark feelings and thoughts I have, the adversary enjoys playing his part on.
All I can do is continue to pray. Continue to keep my focus on the positives even if it's hard. Continue to keep making memories, to keep the kids involved with Kyleb. Keep taking it day by day and just focus on that. I'm aware where my mind is right now half the time, but I'm also aware of what I need to do and that I just need to breath.

Seasons in life

Embrace each season of life. For it is just that...a season. You see, I have decided to live, not just endure, each season of my life, and as I am about to embark on a new season in my life, I've done a lot of contemplating on making good use of my time while I stay home with my family. I've done the stay at home mom thing before and I've done the work full time, and being a manager mom thing as well. Although I've done the working mom far more than I have the stay at home mom, I'm ready for this. Im aware of the time I need to give my self, the time I need to give my kids, the time I need to give my husband, and other things in my life that mean a lot to me. Balancing my time is going to be the very thing I'm going to focus on.

The time I have spent working full time and even as a manager is not time waisted by any means. As hard as it was to balance my time between home and work, it was well worth every effort spent. I've learned to be more organized, learned that it is okay to let my kids learn and grow and to be more independent. I've learned about sacrifice and love. I've learned about making time for myself. I have met a lot of people, have made a few life long friends. But most of all, I have learned what is most important in life. I have learned to really try to just go with the flow of life and what it has to offer. Life is ever changing and we as humans are forever growing in many ways. 

Season's arent always easy...embrace each one anyways.

Being pregnant this time around hasn't been easy by any means. I've fought to get this little monkey here and it has literally been emotionally draining. I almost gave up and had told Skyler that if I didn't get pregnant this time, I was done trying. I meant it with my whole heart too. Heaven knew better. It wasn't a threat to my father in heaven but an act of me being tired and done with being so emotionaly drained. He knew. He knew how done I had felt. He knew the thoughts I had. He knew how hard work was. He knew how hard I had fought. As excited as I am, it hasn't been easy with this little monkey. Hormones being out of whack, fighting with my thoughts and trying to keep them positive, not letting my anxiety overwealm me, being extremely tired, trying to be patient with a lot of things, (is there such a thing as pregnancy OCD?? If so, I've got it, and it's so intense sometimes). But with all of this said, I still can't get over how blessed I feel. I had a blessing a while back when work was just so much, home seemed to be overwhelming, and I just felt completely incapable of doing any of it. In that blessing I was promised that great things were to come in life and to just keep going forward, keep the faith, keep trying my best and great things will happen soon. That was about a year ago shortly after I had my last miscarriage. Three and half months later I became pregnant. That was the start of the "great things to come". It hasn't been easy, but it has been great. We are having another baby boy, I have patiently waited to be home with my kids and now I am (on His timeline... not mine). And even though it's been tough for Sky, he is doing so good with his new job. I look at my kids and see what amazing humans they are growing into. I see the little blessings that are happening each day. Life is tough, life isn't ever easy, but life is so good. Embrace each season...for it is just that, a season. It too, will pass onto another. 

Step back and simplify

There are times in our lives that tend to throw us back...that challenge us to no end. It seems to be a repetitive thing. Life keeps throwing those curve balls and we can either try and learn how to swing to hit that ball out of the park or we can strike out and give up. It's up to us.

This last week was a bit rough. I was lacking sleep, having nightmares, so in turn I was having anxiety and started getting edgy. As the days went on, it seemed to be getting worse.  Everything else that followed just wore me out. This right here was a sign that I needed to do something. To slow down for a bit and simplify my time and my thoughts. Simplify the things that I did both at work and at home. Our daily schedules that still went on, still filled my time. But when I get like this, and feel all of this anxiety come on and start to get this ball that sits in my chest, I have had to learn what works best for me to help me get back to where I want to be mentally. I've tried many different things that could help when I get this way. Running was my best out let...but to be honest, nothing works better than for me than to take a step back. I have to simplify. Simplify my thoughts. My actions. My daily routines when it doesn't involve work or activities my kids are in. Everything inside of my head starts to fall into place when I start to simplify. I'm able to think and refect on the things and the people that are most important to me.

I've dealt with anxiety my entire life. Loosing Kynzie made that a million times worse. But before her, I had never really tried to deal with it except for breathing through it. Loosing her has forced me to learn how to deal with my emotions and my anxieties. To really learn how to get my mind where I want it to be when it starts to spiral down into this anxious pit. I've had to learn how to be happy when everything around me just kind of sucks for the moment. I am by far perfect, but I do try. I am not one to just let the bad things in life take over. Whether it's with in me or it's around me. I am one to fight through it and learn how to make it through...to find a way to make it work, to make things better.
                                           Here's why ⤵️

(This picture is a simple snap I sent Skyler yesterday on our way to moos soccer game...but it holds so much fun and imagination...especially from my boys ❤️)

These kids are my absolute everything. I want them to know that it's okay for things and feelings to not be okay. I want them to be able to fight for the happiness they want and be able to find it with in themselves. I want nothing but the best for my kids...I want nothing but the best for my husband. I want those I hold close to my heart to be able find their happiness when life just isn't the greatest. 

Today, my "simple' was to visit Kynzies grave with buggy before he went to school and before I went to work. It was exactly what I needed. And apparently buggy needed it as well. We both walked around and visited other gravesites for 30 minutes and we both left feeling peaceful and happy. 

Days are going to be hard...for everyone. Life isn't going to be easy or feel easy. I know that. I'm so far from perfect, but I've had to learn to just take it step by step, day by day, hour by hour if need be, to find out what works best for me to find my happiness with in myself. To find my own peace.